FIEND OF THE PLAGUE RAT'S QUEEN

Life Is A Plastic World

2012-01-23T21:32:00.000-08:00

Woohoo! My world is spinning, round and round... Fuck You World!

What A Wonderful, Plastic World

2012-01-23T21:21:00.000-08:00

So to start this post, I wanna tell you that these photos aren't 'official'. I cut my hair again because Sho Asakawa made me do it. Lol:-) I'm preparing myself to make precious photos, but right now I don't have enough time to do it. I need to buy more props and make new stuffs to produce different kind of concept. After more than two years of blogging I've learned a lot from my own experiences and other people's ideas about art. And also, I can't wait to hear the new single of Plastic Tree to be released this February. I miss my alter ego, Ryutaro. Just wait for me okay? I'm gonna bring my ass there in Japan to see you live on stage. You're one of my inspiration and I'm so grateful that I had the chance to listen to your awesome music. Keep it up, Prince of Darkness! So far, this blog and Tumblr are some of my virtual activities. I love posting photos on my Tumblr and I fuckin' mean it. Actually I had an annoying experience on Tumblr (just wanna share it with you, strangers), there's this Tumblr user that reblogged a photo I uploaded last time and she wrote a comment that said 'It's not my photo so I shouldn't be posting it'. To tell you people, I DON'T REBLOG OTHER PEOPLE'S PHOTOS and I don't even follow back because I wanna be fair to myself. I don't need other's consent if I should upload something or not. This is a virtual world where everything is almost public. Who are you to tell me not to post it? Are you nuts? Are you the one who took that photo? Are you some kind of producer? Nope. You just downloaded it and edit it on your Photoshop. You're just like everyone else, like me, a free user who is free to do whatever I want as long as I'm not violating any kind of laws. But if you feel pissed off because of your childish drama, then get lost and mind your own business. Anyway, she looked ridiculous posting that comment and I was laughing my ass out;-) So beware! I'm an open-minded type of person who accept feedbacks but not negative criticism. I don't usually mind if you hate what I do or not. As much as possible I wanna live here peacefully but if you're some kind of asshole who wanna try hurting what I'm trying to protect, then I'm ready for a war. I just came from a slumber of depression so don't dare to waste a drop of sweat trying to terrorize me. Have a nice fuckin' day to all of you.

These are just some of our chekis: Mejibray's Tsuzuku, Koichi, Mia and Meto.
And also Ryutaro Arimura and Sho Asakawa.

Okay, that's all for now. I'll update more next time but tonight, I'm going to watch Ichi the Killer because I've been watching this for a long time but actually had no time finishing it. Sure this is gonna be fun and gory. I salute you, Takashi Miike.

Life isn't a Gloomy Sunday...

2012-01-20T22:53:00.003-08:00

Nothing much. Next time I'll try to make another photoshoot so just stay tuned:)

I created this blog to shelter all that is sacred to me. This is the place where my photos, photography, my emotions, thoughts, poems and other writings linger. I use my body to show the two sides of the face of art, both ugly and beautiful. I am being murdered by the vile and perverse world of reality so instead I choose to stay on the virtual side of my life.

If my thoughts had blood, I would show you... my soaking hands, the crimson liquid that drips down my battered shoulders unto the skin that clothes my naked breasts. Lift my hair so you can see the stains in my ears and kiss you with my bloated lips.

The Shadow Makes Sense...

2012-01-15T21:46:00.000-08:00

I would like to thank this Tumblr blog where the name Sho Asakawa liked this photo of mine. ARIGATOU!

Yeah! Beware of this escaped inmate here:) I'll make more, next time. Tomorrow I'm gonna be busy for sure. It's the first day of my job so wish me luck.

Jellyfish In My Head

2012-01-09T22:14:00.000-08:00

UnderBlack, Ultimate Come Back of a Lovesick Anorexic.

These photos were taken yesterday, January 9th of my Dragon year. Believe me, after I finished washing all the laundry, I went to shower and took a bath. Though it was exhausting, I went to my 'dungeon room' and started putting make up on my face. I was soo inspired by Plastic Zooms, Sho. I'm grateful to know that he has a Blogger account also. Hmmm... why not Ameblo? Anyway, I thought there's no more way to do this thing. I need to satisfy my body starvation with my Pictorial Vitamin. It's the only way to somehow lessen the pain I've felt for these past few days. I hated it when there's so much pressure. I thought I was gonna die because of my depression. Don't bother asking me 'bout it. I won't tell y'all. What is important for me is to accept things and put an end to what troubles me. I know I can do it. I know, despite of problems in my life, I have to look on the brighter side 'cause it's a mean wonderful world. Don't be scared. It's normal to feel afraid, everybody feels the same way too. I know what hurts me is only in my head. It's me against myself. I hope everything will be just fine. So there.

It's driving me crazy, crazy, crazy...

~ Insomniac anorexiaC ~

2012-01-06T23:56:00.000-08:00

~ Liquid Reverie ~

I've felt I've done something...
wicked.
You cannot survive the intimacy
And no! I can't even label it.
I sleep on its blanket of poisonous wet indulgence
celebrating forbidden silence.
I became one of them...
the depraved
on the sly, sex-starved hypocrite
the same little self-righteous weak lunatic.
Was it normal?
Or was it immoral?
If it is a sinful architecture soiling my brain
then who will consume the soaking plague 'til it drains?
Someone...
wake me up!

Med

2012-01-06T21:55:00.000-08:00

Here you can see, my photos during the medical examination of my sister. I was with her that time. Nothing much to say. I don't know what else to post for the next days. Just stay tuned. Let's see.

Job Hunting

2011-12-30T21:57:00.000-08:00

Last Wednesday, me and my sister went to Eastwood to find a job... actually I just came there to support my sister because she's the one waiting for that job call. We arrived there at 3 in the afternoon and guess what? We finished around 11 in the evening. It was exhausting, waiting there for hours. But anyway, it's worth waiting because she passed the interviews and examinations and this January, it's the start of her work. Congratulations sis!

Yep. This was the cheapest place to eat, at Mcdo.

Sunako here, looked very tired but still kicking:)

Under Black, ultimate Prince of Darkness

2011-12-26T20:20:00.000-08:00

I told yah, this year won't end without another photoshoot. And yes! I'm here again inspired by Ryutaro of Plastic Tree and Sho of Plastic Zooms. (Lots of Plastic haha) The place seemed quite during the pictorial and so I enjoyed taking photos, I would like to give again my thanks to my one and only photographer, my sister:) And once again, I wanna inform you that my old photos cannot be viewed by public and by my friends. I don't want to show them anymore because just what I posted here before, I felt sick about the outcomes of my amateur-ISH photos. So if you're a bit interested of my works, go check them out on my photos section here on my blog.

Model Sunako (http://abrutalfact.tumblr.com)
Hair and Make up Ris Zourdhik
Photography Ris Zourdhik
Eye patch Ris Zourdhik

The making of oh dolly-dolly photoshoot.

Me and my sister here...

Lovesick in the Air :-)

Hey! How did I get there?!

Ala Ryutaro? Ala Sho? Hmm...

and here's Sho Asakawa, another picture I made.

So there. Another year passed, Sayonara 2011, the year of the plague in my life. I hated it! My life back then, everything seemed dull and depressive. I want to change everything. I want to do something new and meaningful, something I can be proud of.

Selfish Cunt

2011-12-20T21:25:00.000-08:00

I just finished the first set of my photos to be posted on my own personal Tumblr. After a long time I decided to private my photos on facebook. I felt sick and tired of being an amateur photographer, damn I need a DSLR! Me and my sister are really fond of photography that's why we talked about buying a professional camera to produce high quality photos. I know that my newest photos are still work of amateur, or maybe more average but I'm not limiting myself. I'll do whatever I can to be a good photographer. I'm so inspired and I can't wait to have a new camera. I promise myself to make something new. After the end of this year it's a new chapter, a new episode of my blog so just wait and stay tuned for more.

the most conservative whore, I am.

behind the lens of anorexia.

put the little girl to sleep.

look who's on my new phone... Sho Asakawa of my newest fave Japanese band "Plastic Zooms".

P.S. Hell Yeah! Before the end of 2011 I'll make another photoshoot inspired again by my alter ego ... Ryutaro Arimura of Plastic Tree, aka Prince of Darkness. So there ( / " w " \ ) !!!

Yesterday, Today

2011-12-20T21:20:00.000-08:00

Alas! This photo of mine was shot about more than a year. I miss my long hair but it's okay, I'm fine with my short hair now and I'm thinking of having a haircut again. Let's just see:-)

December 2010.

My sis and I at the mall last Monday.

Well, I wonder...

2011-12-17T05:36:00.000-08:00

Finally. I'm finished customizing this blog. Maybe next time I'm gonna make this look more satisfying because actually, I'm not that contented of the design. I was inspired by Sho of Plastic Zooms' blog design that's why I changed this to a brighter side. And before I leave, here are some of animated pics I made. So inspired with the wayward asylum stories and more. So there. Tomorrow I'm going to church!

Murder Inc.

2011-12-11T22:32:00.000-08:00

Okay. I just made these animated photos for fun. And also, I started liking this Japanese band "SIM". Go check out for them, they're cool. By Friday I wanna have a new photoshoot and I'm gonna do it and no one can ever stop me from being a camwh0re. Next year is a new year, a new chapter of my life. I want to find the reasons for my existence. I'm gonna work like a fucking machine. No love life. No friendship trips. I will be isolated, alone in my own world. So there. Advance Merry Christmas. Thank you God for everything:-)

Cureless Jrock Music

2011-12-07T19:02:00.000-08:00

No more photos yet. But expect to view my new pictures this Christmas. I'm not really sure when I could exactly post them but I hope I could have another photoshoot before the end of this year. But I'm busy as hell writing my first ever novel about Mafia and Visual Kei, "Shin". Wish me more luck because I'm tellin' yah, I'm gonna do anything just to publish this in future. This work of mine is the most precious treasure I have. Anyway, that's the latest news 'bout me. I watch lots of movies about gangsters, mobs and more to gain info.

And before I wrap this up I just wanna share the music I'm currently listening to and here are the top 5 artists I adore so much:

Dir en grey
Plastic Tree
Deluhi
9goats black out
Rentrer en soi

followed by these artists:

Plastic Zooms
Mejibray
Lustknot
Vistlip
Para:noir
Sim
and more...

~ CURELESS ADDICTION FOR JAPANESE ROCK MUSIC ~

Manny Pacquiao: World's Champion

2011-11-14T01:00:00.000-08:00

To start this post I would like to first congratulate Manny "Pacman" Pacquiao for another victory in his boxing career. The Pacquiao-Marquez 3rd fight was a close fight and I think it's the reason why people all over the world who watched the boxing match of the two boxers felt disappointed to what happened. As a Filipino I don't want to be bias but I've felt sad when my own fellow Filipinos thought that Manny's win wasn't enough. How dare you people? Manny Pacquiao did his very best though his best wasn't that good enough...for us, his fellow Filipino people. I watched the fight but because I wasn't sitting at the front of that arena I didn't really know how to give a final verdict on who's really the true winner. I hope that people could understand that not all the times Manny could knock down his opponent. There are times that a fight will be a "close fight" but let's just thank God because it's still a WIN not only for Manny Pacquiao but also for all the Filipinos all over the world. I understand that the Mexicans were angry because Juan Manuel Marquez for the second time had lost the fight against Manny Pacquiao. Manny is not to blame because the final decision was made by the judges and not by him. Despite of negative comments Manny Pacquiao remains humble and strong to face this kind of situation. I've read so many news and watched so many news here and it's all about Pacman. People were booing Pacquiao and throwing bottles at him after the fight. And honestly, it was ridiculous because those people were Mexicans and it was normal because once again Pacquiao beat Marquez's ass! Not because it seemed Marquez beat the hell out of Pacquiao it's his win. Piece of advice: "if you want to beat a champ, knock him down first." During Pacquiao and Juan Manuel Marquez first fight, Pacquiao knocked Marquez down for 3 times but in the end it was a draw (this first fight was clear as crystal, Manny should be the winner). On their second fight Manny won. And on their 3rd fight, though Manny failed to knock out Marquez, still it's a win for Pacman because of the score cards. We don't have to be disappointed of Pacquiao because like what he said, "He's not a Superman." Not all the time, he can do what people are expecting him to do. Just imagine this people, if Juan Manuel Marquez will be the new pound-for-pound king (because he still believes that he won all the fights against Manny Pacquiao) does he deserve it? Maybe it's God's will to still let Manny won the fight because the truth is (and I'm not saying this because I'm a Filipino) he is a very humble, sincere, God-fearing, down-to-earth, charitable, one of a kind gentleman. And to all the Filipinos, let's thank God because He gave us Manny Pacquiao. He did his best just to meet our expectations let's just be proud of him because it's hard to find someone like Manny Pacquiao. Not because you're not satisfied to what he did in his 3rd fight with Marquez you have your reasons to push him down through your unjust criticisms. I hope that if it's a win or lose for Manny Pacquiao we're still there on his side to support him because each fight he had was dedicated to us. Thank you Manny Pacquiao, for me you're still the real Champ!

Blood Madness

2011-11-09T00:11:00.000-08:00

Before I leave let me post these gory photos of yours truly... the virtual fiend Lovesick Anorexic.

And here's one of my few vidz...
Bye for now.

2011-11-08T21:16:00.000-08:00

I just want to share this photo of mine with my sister. I just miss my long hair that's why. This picture was taken 2 years ago and I realized that I want to pursue this kind of career. Yep. Photography, makeup, sewing dresses, directing music videos, carpentry, etc. Haha:-) that's too much, I guess. But that's my dream and the time would come and I'll do it for myself and not for anybody else because everyone else seems so fucked up lately. I don't want them to touch me and my li'l fragile world here because I must be screaming and they'll be so fucking shocked I swear! So there. Spread the Plague. Sluts.

Sincerely yours,
Lovesick Anorexic

Wake Up, You're Dead!

2011-11-03T01:30:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my Nightmare, BITCH!

Hell Yeah! It took me almost 2 hours to finish this crazy makeup. As you can see, I cut my own bangs here because it's long it blocks my eyes. It's not perfect so tomorrow I'll go to the hairsalon to have a good haircut. I would like to thank Jack Spooky, vox of the Japanese band Candy Spooky Theatre for the idea. I told you, I will post more gory photos here though I'm a bit late for the Halloween. Anyway, everyday I'm livin' the life of horror so it doesn't matter if I post pictures like this just to celebrate. But wait, what am I celebrating anyway? Isn't November 1st the day of all saints? November 2 is for the souls. After I went to the cemetery to pray for my mother I came back here to do a lot of scary things. Thanks for my sis for a bit help. I guess this is really is it. My last photoshoot for this month and I'll probably miss stuffs like these. I have to do my mission and my responsibilities in my life. I have to get out from here, I want to leave this place... me and my sis. So no matter what happened in reality it won't affect my virtual world. This is the most comforting place for me so far. I won't leave this place. This is where I belong, this is where I feel warm when my heart is at frost. So there. Photo dump again motha' fuckers!

Say hello to my li'l bloody fiends out there.

2011-11-03T01:10:00.000-07:00

My family and I went to the cemetery last Tuesday to visit my mother who passed away more than 2 years ago. My uncle and grand mother were also buried there in Paraiso Cemetery. I really miss them all especially my beloved mother. I always wanted to see her but I know that she's never coming back. I just pray that wherever she is right now, she's always fine. I love you Mama.

High False Positive Rate Of A 21st Century Wayward Girl

2011-10-30T00:31:00.000-07:00

So here I am again. After posting these photos I don't know yet if I'll be able to update here more. But because of Halloween I'm planning to make a bloody photoshoot and I'll be needing my sister's help. Yep. Hope I can do that. And unfortunately, I wasn't able to go to Marikina to take some photos of the horror brigade there because we my sister and I went early to school the same day and when we went back home early she said she's tired and so do I. I guess it's not meant for me:-( Anyway, there's still next time and hopefully I could bring my ass there to enjoy some events. Haiz... So there. Next time I'll be posing some words. Yep. I miss writing.

The words here are from lyrics from Plastic Tree's song. I don't know, I just felt putting those lyrics there while my I'm in a trance.

Chim Chim Lovesick Anorexic

2011-10-26T21:24:00.000-07:00

So this is another cam-wh0reific stuff;-) As you can see I was inspired by Ryutaro Arimura's photos that's why I looked like this. Lmao. Halloween is coming and I'm planning to go this Friday to Marikina Sports Center together with my sister because there will be a Halloween brigade there. I'm just gonna go there to take some photos and post it here in my blog. I can't wait for that and hopefully it will be a good show. But before that I have one last exam to take in school so after this I'm gonna review again my lectures. Haiz... I'm so fed up with that. So there. Just wait for more updates.

2011-10-25T01:01:00.000-07:00

Now this is what I do for a living: Click Click Click!

Last night my father bought me red wine because I've asked him for that and when he did I was drinking it like milk. Hell yeah! I didn't feel dizzy. I don't know there's no effect at all.

2011-10-21T02:25:00.000-07:00

Last Wednesday my sister and I went at the mall to buy a new card reader but we've found this Book store at the ground floor of Robinsons Mall East where books are being sold at lower price compared to the National Bookstore. Though some books are second hand we bought the first 3 books of Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles. Finally! After so many years (haha) I have my own copy now! I'm currently reading the Interview with the Vampire and after that I'm gonna read the second book which is The Vampire Lestat. Can't wait for that:-)Oh yeah! I'm so addicted with Lestat! Anne Rice is one of my not so many favorite authors and I truly admire her. Twilight sucks! I couldn't take to hear what that novel is all about. (No offense for those Twilight fans). Anyway, why should I compare that novel to Anne Rice's? Because it's all about vampires but Vampire Chronicles are different. It's about history, vampires, fiction, tales, love and death and more. I also found Stoker's "Dracula" and the 100 most famous gangster movies books. The God Father I is the front cover. Unfortunately I don't have enough money to buy it but next time I swear I'm gonna go for it. I'm so addicted to gangster and mafia stories so I'm not complete without it.

Picture picture...

This is what I'm gonna wear for my next photoshoot:-)

Passage Into The Sick Room

2011-10-14T23:10:00.000-07:00

[Sick Room Blog] Written on: October 13, 2011

Hey everyone! I'm in a sick room... new and strange latitude. I've felt sad inside as if there's a hole in my heart. Though we left our old house there's this part of me that needs to be fulfilled, that's the way my body works... always a camwh0re I am, wherever I go. After this photoshoot I feel so hungry. I wonder if there's still food left for me. It's quiet in here, new place and new neighbors... I miss the noise from our old house and the people there. But that's what I was praying before... to be able to leave that place but I still love our home. I'm a bit nervous and I don't want to share it with you, not now. My life before was a whirlwind and now I'm here, sitting infront of the monitor trying to tell people online how much drama I had. My sister told me to grow up because sometimes I act like a kid and yep it's true! I know, I put so much time on pictorial but it doesn't mean I care less. I just want to refocus my mind, to escape not because I'm afraid to face reality... it's just writing and photography served as my friend. It's difficult for me to relate my passion with other people that's why I chose to stay alone. And yeah, I don't regret it. I miss some of my friends but they're busy with their lives and the only one who I could talk to is my sister. I just wanna thank God for that. Everytime I look at my photos I think about life and every single moment I breathe... what if oneday I'll be gone or those people around me. I think I should live my life to the fullest. I should be thankful to my papa (although most of the times he's getting into my nerves) and of course my sister. Why am I writing this? Am I gonna die today? Tomorrow? Or maybe the next days? Who the fuck knows anyway? What matters now is this life I'm living right now. I have to strive hard. Sometimes I ask myself why do I have to struggle like this? It's easy to get unlucky but when you seek for good fortune, damn life's tough. So I should take more photos to lessen the pain, right? Boring, boring, boring. If only I had wings I'll go to the places I've never been and leave this place. Damn! What would I do without internet? Without a camera? Without music? Without Ryutaro's voice around the four corners of this room? Life must be boring. Ris Zourdhik will be here, I don't know until when but as long as my blood still runs in my veins more little stories will be posted. So this is another photo dump again right on yo' face.

I'm in a Dim Scene

Leaving

2011-10-14T22:56:00.000-07:00

After so many years here we are packing our things 'cause we're moving into a new place. It's okay now though I felt a bit sad about leaving. There are so many things happened here and I won't forget the memories. But anyways, it's time to go so I took some photos here just for the last time. I will miss you, our dear house.

Yep. This is what we do. I love watching America's Next Top Model All Stars here in the Philippines. I love Alexandria by the way. She's one of my bets.

Last Scene In Joy and Sorrow

2011-10-07T21:22:00.000-07:00

This is the last photoshoot in our house, I guess:-( I'm gonna miss those moments, sad or happy. I hope the meaning of pain in my life has meaning. I'm gonna reach for my dreams so just wait for me. I'll hold on 'til the end though there's part of me that's weak. No matter what happened I'll go get my dreams. I'm not just gonna dream it... I'll be it! So this is farewell. Goodbye house... my home.

Silent Scream

2nd Year Anniversary

2011-10-07T21:17:00.000-07:00

Yeah! It's my 2nd year anniversary here in Blogger. October's a new year for me so wait for more changes.

This photoshoot of mine was inspired by the visual kei band "Dolly". I love Mitsu so much:-) For more photos check out my facebook and you'll get what cha want.

Life is tough

2011-10-07T20:57:00.000-07:00

Written on: October 02, 2011

Yesterday I went to school to finish my exams for completion. It was a tough day because I had to please my professors and ask for the schedule on when I could take my final exams. I was thankful to CHED's (Commission on HIgher Education) Director for paying attention to our request. Though I was tired yesterday it's just okay because after years of studying, I could say it's worth it. And the night the same day I was preparing myself for the exam on Monday. There are so many lectures to be reviewed because no matter what happened I MUST pass the exams. So there. Stay tuned and I'll update more on what's gonna happen next ;-)

Ayabie's alter ego "Deathbie". Yay! He's scary!

After my father and I had an argument he left the house and told my sister and I he's never come back. After an hour he went back with this pizza. He said it's for us. Haha:-) He's damn crazy and so we ate it.

I have cough for the past few days because of everyday weather changes. It's a sunny day every morning after that it's raining in the afternoon. Damn climate:-(

Yep. All night long I did nothing but to review some past lectures because I's take some exams in school and because I'm a graduating student I have to pass it all!

Yeah! Philippines wants the gazette. Spread the gaze love, though I'm not that fond of them. I only like them because of Taion and Kai the beautiful drummer;-)

Wow! Deluhi made it at the top 10 most sold out album in indie category. Still love them xoxo

That's all for now. Stay tuned for more. Sluts.

Prince of Darkness

2011-09-28T22:57:00.000-07:00

my beautiful buddy, "Cake"

Just bought a new eyeliner 'cause it's really important to me when it comes to experimenting:-)

Photo Dump

2011-09-23T22:58:00.000-07:00

So this is the continuation of my Alone Again, Wonderful World blog. If it reminds you of a song, yeah you're right. It's Plastic Tree's song and I'm really inspired by Ryuutaro Arimura's photos which is why I did my own concept. Just check for my photos on Facebook for more because I have tons of pics there. As usual I'm always an introverted loner who treats virtually everyone I meet with indifference. I am self-centered that's why I couldn't care about you more. Because of so many dramas, problems and life suffering I fell inlove with art. I don't care if you call me an escapist but if being an escapist makes my world change then so be it. Art is my friend, from writing to photography... it won't leave me. And I'm thankful though on the otherside of life is the face of pain. I'm still breathing anyway so life must go on. I don't know what will happen next so as much as possible I'm doing everything I can to update my blog. I'll be busy for the next week because there are so many lectures to be reviewed. I have to finish all of my exams at school so I could focus on finding a job. It's a new beginning for me and my family so I have to strive harder for my future. And now, let's go back to business. Take a good look, sluts. Right on your face!

2011-09-23T22:46:00.000-07:00

I had a tiring afternoon and finally I finished this crazy photoshoot. Thanks to my sister Bela for being a patient photographer. Some photos I did were shot by either her or me so don't be confused. I was left alone in the house around 6 in the evening because my father and sister bought some ingredients at the store for making a fettucini. Oh gosh, I almost forgot to eat. I'm used to not eating my food on time and besides I prefer to make photos than to eat. Well tomorrow I have to prepare myself because there's more photoshoots to do and because I don't update my blog on time I'm gonna dump my photos here so just stay tuned for more because the virtual world isn't complete without a Lovesick Anorexic. So there ;-)

So here is where I'm gonna start editing some of my photos. Without this friend of mine, I don't know what else to do. Everything is possible because I have my best buddy... my computah!

Here's the fettucini I am talking about. Papa made this and served as our dinner. Gosh it's so oishi (delicious)! There's hotdogs, corned beef and tahong. Wow. Favorite. Kudos Paps;-)

Lovesick Stuffs

2011-09-23T22:31:00.000-07:00

So here we go now. For the past few days I was so fuckin' busy because I did so many things. I felt sad because I guess weeks from now we're moving into new house and I don't want to explain it further. It's sad because there are so many memories and trials in our lives that happened there but at the same time it's good to start a new life. I really want to leave the place but not our house I called home. It's just there are bad things happened there and I want to escape and forget to make a new beginning. Anyways, my sister and I went to the mall and we bought so many stuffs that are really important such as groceries, clothes, shoes, makeup and more. I don't have my camera with me right now that's why I couldn't make another photoshoots. Gosh there are tons of concepts in my head and I think I'm gonna explode. I downloaded videos from YouTube and other file-sharing sites to feed my music needs. I easily got addicted to Plastic Tree's music. But I was disappointed when I read a review about Plastic Tree not getting enough recognition. I was like, WTF?! What's happening with the world? Visual Kei world or Jrock, call it whatever you want but I think some listeners are blind. They adore pretty boys in the VK world and don't give a shit about what real music is. Oh man, forget the face and be a good listener people. I don't know why people admire an artist or a band based on their looks and not the essence of the music. And also, when I searched for Plastic Tree's photos I was mesmerized and hell yeah, because you can see and feel the soul of their photography. ART SAVES. I also have tons of DVDs that makes me a movie geek. I watched God Father trilogies again for I adore everything mafia. Road to Perdition is also a good movie and I'm grateful I watched it again. I also marathon Al Pacino's films and here are some movies of him I watched: God Father saga, Dog Day Afternoon, Scent of a Woman (which made him Best Actor), Donnie Brasco (with Johnny Depp), Scarface (say hello to my little friends), Merchant of Venice, and more. I was upset when someone didn't return my Hit Man DVD and I hated it! I love that movie :-( Anyway I'm just gonna buy more soon and I'll make sure that this time whoever borrow DVDs from me he will return it. Speaking of mafias I'm sooo addicted to it. I even searched anything about it on the internet from its origin, rules, and those suits a mafia member wear. God I really really love it! I didn't tell you yet about this russian hat I like. It's a russian hat wore by russian people and even russians in the military...haha that's redundant. I couldn't find it from any stores near our place, not even in the mall and I wonder where I could buy it. But I won't give up on finding one 'cause I'm sure it's just out there waiting for me. So I'm gonna end this up because my fingers are aching and I can't take to look at the monitor anymore. So there. Just stay tuned for more photos, updates, stories, etc because the virtual world isn't complete without a lovesick anorexic;-)

These are just some of my clothes from my full wardrobe so I have to arrange them because it's hard to find what to wear.

I folded some of my clothes because I don't know where else to put them. I need to buy another cabinet because there's more:-(

By the way I was the one who created and designed this eye patch I used for my photoshoot "Ghost Child".

I love this skirt I just bought this from the mall and so grateful I already used this for my photoshoots. Haha:-)

Thoughts

2011-09-17T01:58:00.000-07:00

Today, I woke up from a deep sleep of sadness. After what happened in my life I don't know how to live positively. There's so much drama and I hated it! I felt useless and insignificant, maybe because of this kind of life I'm living right now. Although this is my journal I don't post everything here especially when it's too personal. But today, I write because everything seems so fucked up. Everyday I'm in deep thought about myself and the people around me. Sometimes I wonder why it happened to us. I envy those people who could do everything they want, who could be independent, who could there be on their own. I want that too! I became frustrated and depressed that's why I escape reality. For those who are reading this blog, you have no idea what I've been through. This is me, in my status, that no one could imagine right now. What should I do? And I escape, yes because it's the only thing I could give to myself as a temporary cure. I want to get out from this rat hole, from this cage together with my sister because she's the only person who understands. Everything was lost, trust, a friend, my respect for myself... I mean how could this happen to me? I will find the way out from this hell. I will reach for my dreams and oneday you'll be sorry for fucking with us! I don't want to lose my faith... never again.

Forever Geisha Doll

2011-08-27T23:26:00.000-07:00

The picture above is me. I took this shot years ago. It was inspired by Japanese geisha looks because I'm really fond of it. After not-so-many photo shoots, I'm thinking about new concepts. Actually, I feel like most of my photos are failure. Maybe because I'm still an amateur when it comes to things like these. But it doesn't mean I totally feel everything is a fiasco. I do love what I created by my own hands. It's just I know I have to evolve and develop myself.

Plastic Tree

2011-08-27T23:24:00.000-07:00

So I'm currently listening to the music of this Japanese band "Plastic Tree". Actually, their music had heavy visual kei influences early in their career. But like any other visual kei artists, the sound of their music seemed to change. I've heard about them for a long time but I didn't choose to listen to them at first. But when I decided to download their music and listen to every album they had... OMG! This band has blown me away. Their music reminds me of Beatles and when I checked them out from Wiki it was stated that Plastic Tree has been considerably influenced by British bands such as Radiohead and The Cure. I noticed that when Jrock enthusiasts listen to Dir en grey, Plastic Tree is on their lists to. And I do understand why. I think because Plastic Tree is the soft version of Dir en grey. What I mean is, when you listen to the dark underground songs of DEG you'd also listen to the music that is very affecting, music that makes you feel very peaceful. My sister and I are having fun of Ryutaro Arimura's (vox) child-like voice because it's very cute. Anyway, I have tons of mp3s on my computer and because I love music sooo much, I'll check for other artists again. And by the way, does anyone notice Ryutaro looks like L of Death Note? Hmmm... I was mesmerized by Plastic Tree's photos and I'm lookijng forward to make another photo shoot of mine inspired by them. So stay tuned for more.

Vampires Forever

2011-08-27T23:21:00.000-07:00

So here I am posting this blog about vampires. I watched Interview with the Vampire years ago. I could say that I didn't understand it yet very well because I was so young then. So I decided to watch it again and there, I finally understood. When I've read about its movie reviews I've found out that it has good criticism. The direction for photography was beautiful and I fell inlove with the scenes, props being used and of course, the victorian era. The music used in the movie reminds me of Emilie Autumn's. Another thing I loved about this movie was the screenplay. God! I'm dying to hear poetic lines/scripts. Tom Cruise portrayed the vampire named Lestat, while Brad Pitt was the immortal with the human soul named Louie. Kirsten Dunst was first introduced from this film. She was Claudia, the vampire who fell inlove with Louie but unfortunately died in the end. Anne Rice is one of my favorite novelist because I love vampires from the bottom of my heart.

Queen of the Damned is the sequel of Interview with the Vampire. Here, it's allbout Lestat being resurrected and reinvented himself as a rockstar who wanted to rule the world. His music awaken the sleeping soul of Akasha, mother of all vampires. She wanted Lestat to be with her to have power over the whole world but she's wicked that's why the other vampires came together to stop her. Unfortunately, the movie didn't have lots of good comments because actually it's not that good as the first one. But I'm still a big fan of QOTD because I love Lestat:-D

Lestat was bitten by his master, Marius.

SATAN'S NIGHT OUT
picture from "Redeemer" music video
original music performed by Marilyn Manson
from QOTD OST

SATAN'S NIGHT OUT
picture from "System" music video
original music performed by Chester Bennington
from QOTD OST

My Photography

2011-08-26T01:32:00.000-07:00

I took the following photos a year ago. Her name is Bela/Sunako Fukaito, she is my sister. I was also the one who put make-up on her face because it's what I do inside our house for a living. Haha:-D Anyway, I asked for her permission if I could post her photos here in my blog because she doesn't like blogging or promoting herself online. What I mean is, she's not that camwh0re unlike me who loves to live my life behind the lens. And for the credit, she is my personal photographer also. Lots of my photos were photographed either by me or her. I just want to thank her by way of posting her photos here because without her, I don't know if I could produce good photos on my own. Thanks to my dear sister and friend for everyhting. And oh, before I forgot... ADVANCE HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU BELA! I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, whether it's about Aki (bassist of the Japanese band 'Sadie'), visual kei, music, or crazy stuffs like blood, horror and more. We are both inlove with bizarre things.

Lots of blood,
Ris. Your wh0reific sistah!

Lovesick with a Twist

2011-08-23T03:27:00.000-07:00

It took me 3 hours to finish these GIFs and my fingers are aching. Ouch :-( Adobe Photoshop is a big help when it comes to my artwerks. I had fun doing these stuffs although it's kinda tiring. I had a friend online and when I checked on her blog I saw that "she" had lots of animated photos. I was a dumbass before because I had no idea how to do the same my friend did on her pictures. So then when I downloaded Adobe, everything was self-learning. I studied how to make graphic interchanged formatted pictures and after so many trials I finally understood it. Haha, this business is good and I'll do it all over again and I'll scare the shit out of you!

SICK IS THE NEW SANE.

A Bit O' This & That

2011-08-19T05:30:00.000-07:00

Oh it's Lovesick Anorexic's drama time again. After grotesque, gross, bizarre photography last time I decided to show my 'normal' face. That's life, my looks depend on my mood. I'm not trying to look good, pretty, wannabe or whatever you call it. It's just because of what I always said before, I am made from everything. I don't want to stay dull because art is evolving just like human beings. Everything's changing.

I've always been a dreamer... full of thoughts. Here it is... my fantasy that I don't even want it to be reality. I stay safe, alone in my own mind, endlessly fluctuating.

It doesn't matter if I am me because of my young age and mind growth.
It doesn't matter if I am me because of my emotions and my feminine sensitivity.
I know, I'm still considered a child but still aware of what's happening around me.
My dreams are frail and I am fatigue.
But though the meaning of my existence is vague, there's a reason for everything.

If I tell you who I was would you believe me? Would you doubt or laugh?
Would you turn your back at me because you didn't think of me that way?
How do you see me?
Here's the clue: If I smile, I may feel sullen.
That's how ironic I am.

LABEL AS YOU WISH.

My asian eyes... thru its endless flickering I can see the world.
I can decipher, comprehend, appreciate, etc.
So how do you see...
I mean
not me
but the world?
Contact me.

I Am Ghost

2011-08-14T04:25:00.000-07:00

Thanks to my auntie's place. My sister was my photographer and we finished by midnight. I was like a ghost in an abandoned house and honestly, the place creeped me out a litlle bit. Anyway, I had fun and enjoyed the cold night so I think it's all worth it. So there. Spread the Plague. Sluts.

Death by Contamination

2011-08-14T04:21:00.000-07:00

Annihilated

I live only to survive.
Desperate to try telling my story,
only to discover I have nothing much to say.
I am obsolete...
enthralled
by the liberated
and the elitists.
When people are busy connecting
on monitors and tv screens
I am alone on the murder scene...
this is nothing but total solitary
my temporary contentment.
Alone in my own perfect world
and shrouded by the fogs of invention.
I can possibly break away from everyone
yet not self-reliant.

I want no stupid jokes
yet everyone thinks I'm a hoax.
I want no crucifictions because I'm no martryr.
I want to attain this euphoric isolation
far from the normals.
I was locked in a Pandora's Box for a long time
and I realized it's not healthy.
Everyday I check the levels of my blood,
possible cancer formation,
the mechanical heart beat,
my lungs are expanding
and swelling.
I put tourniquet around my neck
because I'm sick of corruption,
smoke and mirrors
and treachery
of this gloomy town.

Agitated Scream of a Maggot

Thoughts are poison
inside this puffy head.
Twisting and spinning the threads
of my monotonous life
and weaving it into cloth used to make bandages.
Humans pour salt into the lacerations
created by tongues of insult.
So feel free to put me in different websites...
yeah
copy and paste it
'til your fingers ache.
This is far worse than the purgatory.
Everytime you sing your elegy
so bitter-sweet it makes me vomit.

I will pass through the door of galaxy
instead of being kept in my den.
I'm not safe even here
because daggers can pierce to my flesh...
cut the tendon
and see the glistening bone.
I'm barely alive
yet undead.
I'll be born again
not a man
not a woman.
Forever
Adult Child.
My other world life was created as an escape.
I'd rather take all the pain than face an ounce of guilt.

I'll learn to love the salt in the wounds
for this is all but certain tragedy.
We intend to scourge,
to crucify,
to make each other sadist and masochist,
to carve your skin
and put it in a memo board next to a note that says "Deceased".

Martyr

So Fiend...
count your stars and kiss them goodbye.
I will feast my eyes on the monitor
because you belong to me for breakfast matter
to feed my secret and morbid appetite.

Never Come Back

2011-08-14T04:15:00.000-07:00

THIS IS WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE A CAR:-( SOMEDAY I'M GONNA BUY A MOTOR CYCLE AND DRIVE LIKE A FUCKIN' MEMBER OF SOME RUFFIAN GANG!

Drama Eve

2011-08-14T03:49:00.000-07:00

Make a change and show yourself. I was sleepy but I always had time for my endless drama. Art made me feel like...it touched me. It is something that plays my black hair, it brushed against my stomach, kissed my neck and lifted my once white blouse. I just wish I had someone to talk to, someone to relate to. I am still the the same introverted loner who lives it up virtually. I have this throbbing ache from the pit of my stomach. An inevitable stimulation and different vibration in the palms of my hands. It is screaming to be born... and here it is... something... I'll show you something more... next time. Spread the plague. Sluts.

Cadaveric Spasm

2011-08-10T06:08:00.001-07:00

Deep, deep, deep
Bleed, bleed, bleed
I will dig an ocean of sin
Six feet deep.

De' Ja Voodoo

2011-08-10T04:56:00.000-07:00

After a couple of months here my newest photo-voodoo-shoot. This is my perfect escape from reality so I have to breathe, drink and feed from it. I started at 10 in the evening and finished at 12:30 am. Ha! Lovesick Anorexic is always addicted to new stuffs and more. I photographed myself because my sister wasn't around and it was kinda tiring. I just wanna show my cyber-ego, not literally but physically. So there. Lots of Blood. Spread the Plague. Sluts.

Amplified Insomnia

Child Prey

Hush li'l baby. Don't make a sound.

I'll crawl over you.

If I'm danger to myself just think what I can do to you.

Yeah. Why not?

My Cyber ego

Picturesque Macabre

The Horror of Beauty

Dual Evil

Before I decay...

Trapped in the hazy fog of despair

2011-08-06T02:21:00.000-07:00

Today
another moment of chaos
but deep inside...
silence
I'm no worth of living, I thought
I felt something... crawling over me
Every night... sleepless
It hides behind my pretentious eyes
It hides behind my unfading mind
It's creation and destruction
Death is paradise
I was born here and it will oneday consume me...
Death.

It floods within me
and scrapes against my cheeks...
Tears
of reality.

There are times I think about giving up
I really want to but afraid
I have no right yet there's always an option,
there's always a choice.
And I know
I must grab it
I must find it
I must survive
not just for myself
but because of the people around me
who never gave up on me.
But I've grown weak
Should I blame myself?
I am the author of my own story
I created characters, situations and emotions.
I write it...
it's name
everyday lives in me...
Pain.

It's quiet here, mellow and calm
as a lake of polluted water,
like I was sitting alone under a big tree
on a grey rainy day.
I hear my heart's pounding...
scared of what awaits me.
But at one fell swoop,
there's the most unbearable feeling raging on
It is so loud that it makes your head squeeze
that makes you feel like you have to hold your ears tight
so your brain won't duck out from the sides.
The sound... it screeches
The smell... it burns
The wind... it is fierce
They brushed harshly against my scarred skin
all over my swollen body.
I am timid and isolated
yet I know I remain warm
as the winter's just beyond the four corners of my room.

But there's a voice,
a familiar voice
whispering to me
speaking to me
Don't stop from speaking back
it is my only way of temporary relief.
I've lost my faith in so many ways
but I'm a prodigal son
in the end
He's the one who I could count on.
No matter how painful it is
no matter how suffering can be endured
I don't want to give up anymore.

If my thoughts had blood
I would show you...
my soaking hands,
the crimson liquid that drips down my battered shoulders
unto the skin that clothes my naked breasts.
Lift my hair so you can see the stains in my ears
and kiss you with my bloated lips.

Way to Asylum: Thoughts of a Royal Slave

2011-08-06T02:17:00.000-07:00

The dimensional pathway is here...
in the middle of this world
6 feet tall doorway
made of black and white stripes wood
sprinkled with toppings
as if it is a door-shaped cake
outlined with red laces
in the middle of this hidden road
so taken for granted by the 'normal' people
as if no one can see it's beauty.

Art is the one who placed a sudden tune of Beethoven in my mind,
classical soft music...
releases my inborn sadness.
I felt eternally peripatetic
because I'm on the brink of true beauty
and I just escaped the vicious claw of reality.
I want to decipher the obscurity of something that isn't mine
and as for the moment I pretend to be a scientist gone mad.

And now...
I hold the scalpel in my clean yearning hand
to dissect something that isn't meant to be dismembered,
I insist to incision though I don't have a license
I looked down at my own bruised naked feet
gray and purple
never looked so pretty.

My eyes are bleeding
I wiped them slowly
black and red glitters...
now it's pretty.
There's red dripping down my wrists
as if something slits them.
But I know I can heal myself
without others therapy,
underneath the cellar I hide
to quickly cover my wounds
with sand bits and withered rose petals.
I fainted and so the floor becomes the most comfortable bed.
I'll capture my balance
I'll walk on the waves underneath my feeble feet
I'll stare into the sky and realize...
this is life.

2011-08-06T02:12:00.000-07:00

This 2D Game is inspired by the visual kei band DELUHI. I created this not only for fun but because I admired them so much. I use XNA and Adobe CS3 software in coding the program and designing the interface. This is just a sample but it has 5 stages. Hope you enjoy:-)

My World I s A Toybox

2011-07-16T21:49:00.000-07:00

WHAT EMPTINESS AWAITS ME

WORLD WHERE NO ONE LISTENS

DELIRIUM

EACH OTHER'S THOUGHTS

BE DEAD TO THE WORLD

FAR OFF LOVELY PLACE

LITTLE BY LITTLE

MELODRAMATICALLY LAID

OUT OF YOUR PICTURE FRAME

COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE

ALL I CAN TELL YOU

YOUR SUGAR SITS UNTOUCHED

Art Drawn By Vomit

2011-07-16T21:46:00.001-07:00

Thank you for all the pain.
Suck my grudge and hate.

Faces Of Irony

2011-07-16T21:43:00.000-07:00

These photos of mine were inspired by Tooru Nishimura's aka Kyo (Dir en grey) Poem Books. The concept of this photography is very emotional. I uploaded these in DA but decided to post here to elaborate and give meaning to every single picture. I don't deny from the very beginning I'm a pessimistic kind of person which is why some of my photos show greatest crises, a moment of the deepest self-reflection of humanity. Although Kyo's poems are hardly understandable, I could still relate. In fact, I love writing where situations of meaninglessness are being emphasized. Writing and photography has a connection that's why I relate poems and photography. I don't just take photos, I mean it! We were judged by this world without proper understanding. Some people are insensitive, they are careless which is why there are people who find themselves in a big fucking hole of surrender, insecurity and flaws. There are two sides of the same face: The Pretender and The Escapist. We pretend everything's okay but when we're alone we daydream to forget somehow, to lie to ourselves that we're capable of what we are not in reality and to escape. I don't want to hurt and to be hurt but that's life. How could there be joy without pain?

Kawaiiness

2011-07-16T21:38:00.001-07:00

Inspired by LM.C's album, visual kei, music, everything Japanese, digital art and more. I designed my own version of the cover jackets. On the third picture, me and my sister Bela. Just contact us if ever you want us to make a design for you.

Kai

2011-07-13T00:01:00.000-07:00

Kai of The Gazette for me, is the most significant member of the band. I don't care about the other vain geeks in the band. I only care about him! So keep it up my koibito:-)

Tweet...tweet...

2011-07-12T23:57:00.000-07:00

Just to let you know, I'm not that active on Twitter. I followed only those people who are deserved to be followed. If you're interested of music, particularly the visual kei to jrock music then give a damn to follow me and we'll talk about it. And to tell you honestly I don't really care if you don't want to follow me because, believe me, I'm not dying to have millions of followers that's why I don't like following some people who I do not really know. End.

Hell Yeah

2011-07-04T03:22:00.000-07:00

Finally. Done with my newest Blogger look ever! I'm so addicted making animated GIFs. I think this is the effect of too much computer:-)

Blog Suicide

2011-06-20T22:06:00.000-07:00

I DON'T THINK SO MR.TOWNSEND FOREVER!
But here is a poem I wrote dedicated to my Dear Lestat.

Where Stuart's Bed Is

Here it is the diary of pain.
I want to smell the sickness of your breath
I want to hear the verses of demons in my head.
I find your shadow everywhere
I feel your tears like raindrops in my hair.

A rainy afternoon reminds me of you
and turned my skin to pale and blue.
I feel the coldness
beneath my world's surface
But, and I realize d you're not here
and this passion I feel turned to fear.

I want to sleep where you sleep
A secret place where these weary eyes won't weep.

This is my oldest Death Note. Full of poems and childish thoughts.

New hair clip:-)

Just another necklace.

My collection of art and more:-)

This is my new leggings...so kawaii:-)

I don't really like my feet:-(

I'll show you somethin'.

When deep sleep falleth on men,
fear came upon me, and trembling.
Which made all my bones to shake.

Do you know the terror of he who falls asleep?
To the very toes he is terified,
because the ground gives way under him,
And the dream begins...

I'm forever a fan of Otep Shamaya!

Fuck Yeah!

Last Night...

2011-06-20T21:55:00.000-07:00

Visual Kei Review: A Cureless Addiction

2011-06-12T23:51:00.000-07:00

First off, I don't give a damn about other people's comments. I decided to post this blog based on my own point of view about the different bands/artists I adore. Actually, this is the very first time I'm gonna write about all the bands I love sooo much because I think it's time for me to share my thoughts about these beautiful musicians. I don't care if you call me an escapist but music is my life. Listening to songs I love makes me survive. It's the only cure for the pain and disappointments I've felt about this fucked up reality of mine. If you live for money, fame, vanity, politics, class reports... If you live your life for your family, for your girlfriend or boyfriend, for being on top, for being the most beautiful creature in this world... the hell I care about your dramas. Maybe we're too different because we have different field of interest. Easy as that.

~ DELUHI ~

DELUHI is a Japanese visual kei band formed on 2008 but sadly to say, they're disbanding this year because of Aggy (the bassist). And I know this is one of the reasons why the band decided to disband. I learned about this band when I watched this fanvid on YouTube wherein the band's single "Hybrid Truth" was being played at the end of the video. Then my sister began to talk about them. She told me about the band's party-crazy PV "Departure". At first, I wasn't interested about them because I've never heard about them before. But when she made me watch their PV which was "The Farthest", I was like... "So fuckin' dramatic!" Then that's the time I was hooked with this band. Leda (the band's guitarist and also the leader of the band) was so amazing in the video. I started to search some information about them in the internet. Leda was the bassist of the band "Galneryus" before but decided to form his own band with Juri (the vocalist), Sujk (the drummer) and Aggy (the bassist). I'm so inspired of Deluhi especially Leda, not because I felt infatuated but because I admire him for being young yet he made his dream come true. For me, he's the new young guitar hero of Japan and I really want to know what his next move is. Everytime I listen to their songs I feel Leda's guitar weeps from the bottom of my heart. Deluhi's last tour would be next month and unfortunately, I won't be able to see them live. Everytime I think about the moment the band decided to disband, I feel very sad and disappointed because I believe this band has a great future. I hope and I believe that Leda won't stop playing music. I know he has a plan after their final tour in July that's why I'll stay tuned and updated.

TO AGGY: I really hated you when I've found out you're the reason why DELUHI disbanded. But to tell you honestly, if oneday you are to read this blog of mine, I just felt disappointed because I believed in you. I believe you're a great bassist that I could even compare you to Toshiya of Dir en grey or maybe better than him...well who knows? That's why I felt so sad when you decided to leave. But no matter what happened, I'm sincerely still a DELUHIST. Even when you leave, I'll still support you Aggy-san and I wish you good luck. Keep it up and reach for your dreams:)

~ DIR EN GREY ~

DIR EN GREY: who doesn't know about this huge band?! They cannot be classified under one genre because their style has evolved through the years. I think I don't have to elaborate and make my own summary about the band's history because for sure jrock listeners know them. But actually, Diru isn't the first jrock band I listened to because there are previous bands I got hooked with before them. When I learned about visual kei, Dir en grey was always there on the list of recommended bands. I was really addicted to the other visual kei band "Sadie" at first but I've read so many criticisms that they sounded like DEG and I wasn't happy about that kind of negativity. Then I searched for Diru in Wiki. According to the information, and based on my own understanding, they're not like any other bands. Then I decided to download for their music from the internet. When I listened to their album "Uroboros" I was totally blown away! OMG! Where did that voice of Kyo come from?! When I heard the screaming voice of Kyo (the vocalist), I thought it was the sound of the electric guitar, but no! Kyo is very notorious because of the unique voice he has which many try to copy but are never very successful. As for now, I think nobody can defeat Kyo when it comes to performance and being the best vocalist in Japan. Dir en grey's lyrical contents are taboo and offended that's why some fans love to hate them. Once again, the hell I care about the damn condemnation. All I know is that they're Japan's history and nothing can change that.

~ SADIE ~

Sadie is a Japanese visual kei band formed in 2005. It was founded by Mao (vox), Tsurugi (lead guitarist), Aki (bassist), Mizuki (rhythm) and Kei (drummer). The band's name comes from the English word "sad", according to vocalist, Mao. I just learned about this band when I've read a blog about a fangirl who was so addicted to some VK drummers. She indicated the name of Sadie's drummer "Kei" and that's the time I listened to their music. When I told my sister about Sadie she wasn't that interested about them that's why I listened alone to their music. But when I showed her some photos of the band she was kinda moved by the bassist "Aki". And at this time, she is so addicted and obsessed about Sadie. I still remember when Sadie was not that famous, I sent Mao (the vocalist) a message. I wrote him to never give up because as I was reading an interview about them, Mao talked about how frustrated he was just to form the band. Their band has a future so never give up and keep on going because I believe that oneday they would be noticed by some fans all over the world. I wasn't wrong about it because now they have fan base not only in Japan but also in western countries. They're going to have their first tour in the United States and I'm happy for them. I hope they have plans to perform in some countries all over Asia because we're Asian guys! Right?! Don't just prioritize your western and european fans because you have also true fanatics and supporters here in Asia. Anyway, just continue to produce good music and don't try to be like Dir en grey because it's not good for you. I don't mean to be offensive but I'm just trying to point out my side because Sadie itself have potential to create their own genre but as what I notice, their latest album " Cold Blood" sounded like Diru's music. In spite of that comment I still give you guys kudos for the progress of your musical style. But I really hate to say this, why Sadie's trying to dress like the band "The Gazette"? Continue to create heavy music but enough of being vain! Leave the vanity for Gazette. Sadie is Sadie. I know the wardrobe is for your complete package but please, stop being vain in your PVs. You don't have to pretend to be beautiful because you're already are!

~ THE GAZETTE ~

Okay, here comes the drama. Of course, Gaze Rock isn't dead. I wasn't a fan of Gazette at first because I thought that they were "the burn outs" kind of band and too old for me to listen. But when I checked them out and watched their music videos... Hell yeah! I said to myself that all the band members are cute and hot:-) Haha. I was moved by Ruki (the vocalist) the very first time I watched their PV "The Invisible Wall" on YouTube. He's so handsome, maybe that's why some fangirls love them to death. Then there's their PV "Taion" dedicated to the late Junko Furuta. I was inspired by the song that's why I made my own video dedicated to Junko. As always, internet is my friend when it comes to music downloading and so I donwloaded Gazette's songs. My favorite album of the band is "Stucked Rubbish". The vibe of the music was really catchy. They're also good when it comes to love songs because Ruki's voice is very emotional even when performing live on stage. But I can't help comparing this band to Dir en Grey. Why? I'm talking about "fame" and not in "skills". Yep, because Gaze is the most successful visual kei band in history according to some reviews. Listening to Japanese music isn't complete without listening to Gazette. Unlike any other fangirls, I admire Kai (the drummer) because he's the only member who's not that vain. Okay, it's still vain in some point because PSC made him do it. Actually, Kai shouldn't be in Gazette because he's different compare to the four vain guys. Haha. I didn't mean to be offensive:-) But compare to X-Japan and Dir en grey, they would eat dust. When it comes to "face value" DEG and other bands are losers but believe me man, Gaze's music sounds like American rock music. Haizzz... I hate to say this, but some fans kept on criticizing Dir en grey for being frustrated to be sold in American market unlike The Gazette who chose to play in their own country instead of performing overseas. If you are a true listener of visual kei you would understand that Gazette sounded like any other band, I mean, they sounded more like American metal bands compare to Dir en grey who created their own genre. Hey! Once again I don't mean to offend anybody it's just my own perception. I don't deny listening to Gazette's music and I don't deny I'm also a fan of them. It's just my own thoughts about them just to show I'm not bias. And one thing more that I didn't like about Gaze is their being so exclusive. Die hard fans all over the world are trying so hard just to reach you guys but not all of them are able to meet you guys in person or even go to your concerts. Internet is the only medium to get to you guys but why create a website exclusive for "some fans" only? I mean, not everyone can afford to go to your concerts, not everyone can be a member of your "official fan clubs", so why create this kind of exclusivity that shows unfairness? Why? Just because "some fans" could only afford to buy tickets so they have the right for everything when it comes to getting in touch with you? (sighs) Sometimes, when you're on top, you're forgetting to look back and keep those golden feet back on the ground. Anyway, just continue to support this band because what is the meaning of Visual Kei world without the "greatest people you'll ever meet, like The Gazette?"

~ GIRUGAMESH ~

Well, I think everyone knows this band. To tell you honestly, Girugamesh was the first jrock band I got addicted to. Eventhough Moi dix Moi was the first japanese band I've listened to, Girugamesh was the one who caught my attention. I wasn't that familiar with this visual kei or jrock thing before because the music I was currently listening to was Gothic metal, hard metal, rap and something like that, more on the Western rock music. I found out about Girugamesh when I was checking for some Japanese music artists on YouTube. I think they're kinda famous so I got interested and that's when I downloaded their albums. The following albums are so cool so I listened to it all over again. I won't forget how crazy I was when I first saw them on the internet. But not until the album "NOW". OMG! What the fuck happened with these guys?! I thought. I wasn't happy and satisfied about this album and the next one which is "GO". Satoshi (the vocalist) has a great voice yet their musical style wasn't enough to make a BOOM effect. Ryo (the drummer) is the main composer and I truly admire him because of his different skills. Girugamesh so far isn't good enough for me. Everytime they release a new single I thought they would come back to who they really are because I believe they're a band who has a potential, but as of now I'm really disappointed with them. I don't mean to be rude but I think some fans of Girugamesh would agree to what I am saying because if you listen to their new singles you would notice the difference from their first releases compare to the new ones. And also, what I don't really like about Girugamesh is there PVs. Hey guys! Your music sounds very modern like Linkin Park but you didn't make good music videos. I hate to say this but your PVs suck because most of the scenes are boring and the same. Why don't you try to make a music video like what Gazette did? It's full of beautiful scenes that show creativity and relevance with the song itself. Anyway, the latest single "Pray" isn't the best but I give you guys points for the very significant meaning of the lyrics. Even if you think I'm murdering Girugamesh I'm still a fan of them not only because they're my first Jrock heroes, but also because in reality I'm impressed of them for being so sympathetic and respectful to their fans. I'm not telling that the other Jrock/VK bands are being disrespectful but because some bands don't like interacting or even responding to their fans in the virtual world. I'm still thankful because Girugamesh remains very humble in spite of their popularity. Keep supporting this band until their very best would come out.

P.S. Just lines to tell you guys: STOP BEING IDIOTS!

~ 12012 ~

I just heard about ichi ni zero ichi ni through a friend of mine in other social networking site. I often see them in some visual kei sites that's why I started to listen to their music. My favorite 12012 album is "Seven" because compare to their other albums, 12012 brought out the best of them when they released Seven. I love Wataru's mesmerizing voice that I could even compare him to Ruki of The Gazette. But I just noticed that even 12012 is a long time band, it seems that they're not that famous. I know I don't have the right to say if a band is famous or not, but it's just maybe they haven't given an enough recognition. It's sad to know that Suga Yuusuke decided to leave the band to make his solo project. I don't understand his reason for departure. Anyway, I'm hoping for Suga Yuusuke's success. I'll continue to support 12012 even if it's only the four of them. Good luck guys!

Caged Eyes

2011-06-12T23:48:00.000-07:00

Do you now how it feels to be trapped in the twisting fingers of your own weakness? I don't like it in here. Everyday, this is all I see and I hate it. I want to escape. I want to fly away from here. I want to destroy the past. I'm so sick of all of this! I feel so dead alive yet I feel I don't exist. What is the purpose of being me? I don't know who to call. I don't know where to go. When will this end? When?! I can't help but only ache.

Back to Asylum

2011-06-01T21:40:00.000-07:00

I'm back to asylum again and I kinda miss this style of photography. I did this photoshot yesterday and I had to wake up my sister for her to help me out. I'm a big fan of Emilie Autumn and I think it shows. She is wonderful and an amazing artist that's why I adore her. Can't wait for next album "Fight Like A Girl". And by the way I was the one who designed and sew my skirt and it took me some minutes because it's just so hard do it without a sewing machine. My dream ever since is to be a dress maker and designer of my own clothes. But I think I have to study first how to use a sewing machine for me to produce beautiful dresses. Photography makes me complete because ART SAVES. Whenever I feel sad I write or photograph myself to gain some inner strength. Once again, if you want to see some photographs I made just add me as a friend in Facebook. I don't approve friend requests in MySpace because it's for my profile only. So there:)

MY WAYWARD FEET

2011-05-27T18:45:00.001-07:00

Does anyone even read poetry anymore?

I think it's time for me to write a poem again.

An average frustrated psychologist
trying to draw different emotions in a frame
Photography orgasm
Tonight is vaudeville burlesque!
Sweetly vague yet so sadistic
When will the meaning of my feral words be sane?
Flawed, queer, sly, frail, I am
I am not to touch the earth and rest

My reason to live is just vivid as shadow
That is to hide your face in a theatrical mask
To fire heart-shaped bullets at your window
To scrape my glistening teeth at your back
To wh0rify the conformists
To enjoy sad tea parties
To build a brigade of feeble-minded cowards
To make you never love

Vandalism of Criticism
Recurrence of contagious Organism
Young faces of Masochism
Artistic Anamorphism

Rogue children sing me to sleep
Beautiful losers give me a whip
Sadness, anxiety, guilt, anger, isolation, despair
I don't know how to spell Bipolar
Mania is in the air
Let's cover the vicious scar
And pretend the scattered petals bleed morality
Now preach me dirty liberty

Fashion suicide
I want to see you swell in pride
Your profession is my idleness
Glitters, perfumes and emptiness
Chic facade is the greatest lie
Oh Dear Mcqueen saves her life
I used to hallucinate of being inside your shoes
When I woke up I found me hanging in a noose

When you care about burning the plague of sin
Goodbye and give me my dream.

Goth

2011-05-27T18:43:00.000-07:00

Hello there! Do you feel like an outcast, a loner, or just a strange geek? In the past few weeks I watched so many horror to suspense movies. I had fun watching those kind of films because it completes me. Although I had so many DVDs at home I wasn't satisfied enough because I crave for more. The last movie I've watched was the Japanese movie, "GOTH". I love the weirdness of the story because of the same character of the two actors. There was a serial killer in the story. He loves to kill young beautiful women and cut their left hands before leaving their bodies in an artistic pose. I found GOTH the same as the European movie "ANAMORPH" in some ways maybe because of the concept in photography. Anyway, if you want to know more about it just search for yourself.

P.S. Just lines to tell you: Feed it, Spread the Plague:)

Butterfly Cry

2011-05-15T03:20:00.000-07:00

Once again I'm here. There are so many things that happened in the past few days of my boring life so I just did another photo shoot not because I'm just a cam whore but because I love doing photography. There are different sights and images and beautiful things in my head. And though I stop writing for awhile it doesn't mean I won't grow up. I realized that it's been so long since I write a poem maybe because of reality. It discourages me that's why I focus myself imagining bizarre thoughts. My life is a truth...and I think it's the reason why I find myself weak. It just happened in a sudden as if I couldn't even trust what I was saying before, as if I couldn't justify the lines I've written for the past ten years of journey. It scares the shit out of me. If you're to smell my weakness...I must hide.

END FOR NOW

Wish Upon The Stairs

2011-05-15T03:14:00.000-07:00

Bday Galore

2011-05-06T22:20:00.000-07:00

Written on: May 05, 2011

Today is my birthday! I want to thank God first for another year and taking care of me. Although there are so many problems, challenges and pain I encountered these past few months I still want to thank Him because he's the reason why I could still breathe. I wasn't happy from the moment I woke up this morning but because my sister greeted me a happy birthday, thanks to her. My friend Cathy was great! She treated me this afternoon. We went to some places and somehow I forgot the problems. Thanks girl! I won't forget this moment. Nobody else greeted me as if they don't remember I exist but anyway, I don't need that anymore as long as my family is there especially my sister because she's the only one who could understand me. I don't know how should I feel but although these photos seem so happy...I don't know, I really feel so empty and sad maybe because of reality. I want to be happy that's why I have to and I should pretend. But no matter what I do, every time I sleep I feel very sad, somehow I feel sorry for myself and I hate it! Yesterday night before I went to sleep I pray to God and asked Him to never make me wake up if there's no reason for me to live, but today I woke up...hmmm...I know, there's a reason for my existence. Thank you Jesus and sorry for always complaining and asking why.

Wh0reiFic MAY

2011-05-01T04:34:00.000-07:00

TODAY IS MY MONTH. I JUST FINISHED ANOTHER PHOTO SHOOT. THANKS TO MY FRIEND CATHY:) IF YOU WANT TO SEE THOSE PHOTOS I'M TALKING ABOUT JUST CHECK OUT MY FACEBOOK OR MYSPACE. ADD ME AS FRIEND:)

Vintage Blues

2011-04-21T22:52:00.000-07:00

Hey there, Ris here again. Not much to say but I did photo shoot yesterday. Thanks again to my loving sister, Bela:)

2011-04-18T06:51:00.000-07:00

I'm done taking new photos, and credits to my sister:)

Black shoes...as ever

Black eyeshad0w...but I didn't use this one.

Which One?

Bunny

2011-04-18T06:33:00.000-07:00

Written on: April 17, 2011

Hi everyone! Ris here again. I really thought this is "hiatus" for photoshoot but I couldn't help it! Not much to say but I'm planning to have photoshoot this week so stay tuned for more. If you want to see more of my photos, thoughts, etc. feel free to visit my blog and other networking site accounts such as Facebook and Deviantart because there are lots of creation, photos and more that could be found.

Say hello to my friend, Cindy!

My Jandi

2011-04-18T06:29:00.000-07:00

My Poems

2011-04-05T01:16:00.000-07:00

"Manic Encapsulation"
by Ris Zourdhik

mouth bubbles fatal words
while parasites like to feed from tendon...
why does a catastrophic madness
brings disturbance to a conscious mind?

The perception
of the opposite,
the null,
the zero
about endless desires...
isn't
my
concern
anymore.

"Trivial Prototype"
by Ris Zourdhik

When objectives and hypocrisy collide
must conform,
must conform...
easy as picking up a pen,
falling in unjust scattered drops.
The same faces
hereditary transient races
greedy
unique
& weak.

"Volatile Eve"
by Ris Zourdhik

Hands are shaking
these itchy scratches
are comforting me.
Today I breathe
tomorrow I forget.
The lustful memories I've made...
I buried them in the deepest grave.
Trapped in a fatal fog of sins
You pretended to be loved by him.

I admit and deny...
she tormented her mind.
Your old words are numb
Only pain can be trusted.

She inhales every broken piece of you,
cold and pale yet so true.
This indecisive heart
is sensually falling apart...

Secretly watching with eyes wide shut
wounded skin is all I have.
Yesterday she had sworn
while clothless in her most beautiful form...
vain and changing
abhorrently sickening.

"Infectus Dream"
by Ris Zourdhik

It is a tragic euphoria,
a long forgotten ode
unsung by an aborted specimen.
Watching the crimson sky weeps
artificial lithium that kills.
A taste of scab of desire
a silent terror burning like colorless fire.
Soaked in filth...
from a breath of a rotten embryo.
Beyond the window of resurrection, they peep...
Who should I call?

"A Fiend"
by Ris Zourdhik

Why am I wondering?
Is it sweet...
a taste of whip of surrender?
What breathes beneath
is a piece of forever.

Why am I wondering?
A boy lying next to God
embedded his teeth against my heart,
unconsciously lost in the dark.
When you whisper lies I fade to black.

Inside a long forgotten picture...
a red life, safe and escaped.
Can you tell when will everything be pured?
When you scream and cruelly heal a soul of despair...
still, I'm wondering.

"Glass Fog Beauty"
by Ris Zourdhik

strange
deranged
feeding the milk of violent shame
blind parasites rejoice mayhem
swallowing the thickness
of what they call eudemonic morals,
sacrilegious and frail ceremonials.
the essence of what you hold
is the putrid of your soul.
weak notion
unrealizable desire for agitation...
I must visit the temple of amaranthine.

"AnorexiaC"
by Ris Zourdhik

You are what they made you
like a fracture broken in two.
Arms wide open
what you starve for is in their hands.
Each priceless breath you inhale
a century of despair.
To you madam and sir,
remove your hands from my shoulder.
Your teeth have no business to impale at my back,
I'm used to your treacherous attack.
You can never taste a crumb of poverty
if you feed your tongue with vanity.

"Mina"
by Ris Zourdhik

Bruised perfect knees,
tiny piece of sin.
Life is an alternate world
unfolded yet secretly cold...
sullen yet a sweet character,
this is where chopsticks are tiny daggers.
A peculiar look makes them feel careless,
perverse and numb nocturnal lovers.
She panics,
She calms.
She realizes she rots.
she mends,
and...dies.
Manic depression makes her beautiful
and the innocent suffering is meant to be endured.
Cherry blossoms fall in winter
Teaching how much pressure is best pressed upon a trigger.
The only savior is poetry.
I wish I could kiss you.

"The Art of Self-Mutilation"
by Ris Zourdhik

There is a wound,
a wound that can't be cured...
it breathes before you learned
dreamless from thy womb.
There is a scratch
made by unwanted lust.
An empty heart that whispers today
childishly smiles yesterday.
My nuisance,
their laughs
hysterically echoes
that shelters the obscurity
of their unfading minds.
A drip of intended anguish
turned to hate
and aggression rapes.
Dry are her lips
and the dull ray of light
scorches the last hope in her fingertips...
Battered and forgotten every single night.
A rose perishes as she falls
sore feet on the crimson melted snow.
She creeps,
she plays and hides
beneath a tired tree
as life bids goodbye.

"In Dividing Line"
by Ris Zourdhik

I can smell the deadly flesh of surrender
begging me to always remember.
The catastrophe of excess
proves that you exist.
These shallow laws conquer
a humane crumb inside you forever.
Under the red clouds of desolation
the rain starts to fall in the head of depression.
Without a shred of doubt
I taste condemnation dripping from these yellow creatures' mouth.
In conceived tragedy
we give comfort
while you uncontrollably
sling us with cold words...
yet we understand.
A dispute between different races
bred to infect and hide with strange faces.
I am not innocent...
I am at fault...
You and I were there...
You and I were involved.
Behind your lies
there's life
pure and tainted,
swallowed and corrupted.
What are you?
Who gave birth to you?
You're just a being from dust
Who are you to look down on us?

A message to DELUHI

2011-04-05T01:04:00.000-07:00

Written on: April 02, 2011

DELUHI, one of my fave japanese bands, one of the best bands in Japan...DISBANDED! I was like..."No way!" My sister just told me this afternoon that it was announced on their official site that they couldn't continue anymore because one of the members was planning to leave the band during their hiatus. When I heard about the sad news I felt something pinched my heart, BUT...until now I really don't believe it because as I was reading the translated version of that news I noticed that it was posted on April 01, 2011. Hmm? I'm not aware if Japanese people used to celebrate April Fool's Day but this is the factor that affects my perception if the news is true or maybe a joke. Google site also did this thing, they fooled so many people about how they could control the whole system (which is the website) through webcam where they could use body parts to control or manipulate the site...something like that, but I don't know! Until now...I don't want to accept it, I don't want to think that it's true. I'm still hoping it's just a big joke because I don't believe it!

BUT IF IT'S TRUE...it's really a sad news. If it's true I could only feel disappointment and regret because it's hard to find a great band like Deluhi, truely. During those months that my sister and I were still waiting for their new singles and projects, it came to my mind that they would disband and it turned out to be like that. I just thought about it because they didn't release anything new for so long. They said that their final tour will be on July, after that it's the end of everything. I felt sad...so sad because I see Deluhi as an inspiration. I admire them not only their music but also Leda which is the guitarist for the band because he pursue his dream through making music. He made his dreams come true and for that I really admired him. Then Juri, the vocalist...when I first saw him I took him for granted because for me he's just an ordinary frontman but as time passed by I realized he's amazing. But because of this disbandment thing, it breaks my heart! Although I don't want to blame Aggy (the bassist) because he's the one who wants to leave the band, there's no other way but to think it's all his fucking fault. Why does he want to leave? They're all great musicians! Leda could be like Hyde in the near future or maybe better, Juri has a beautiful voice because he's the only Japanese vocalist I heard that could pronounce english lyrics well, Sujk is a good drummer also because his skill fits the music for Deluhi, and Aggy...I couldn't help asking...why Aggy? I know...I know you're a good bassist like Toshiya of Dir en grey...you did very well but I don't know the reason why you want to leave the band. It's your decision why the other three members decided not to continue anymore. Deluhi for me...they're not just any other visual kei bands...they're different. Aside from Dir en grey their music is unique, raw and something new...I know some listeners compared them to some european or maybe american metal bands but because they're Japanese...their music was the variation of traditional and industrial style which made it unique. And when a band makes music with asian feel on it...I really really love it! What can I do to make people see that this band...Deluhi... has a future?! What Deluhi needs is a stable management where they could be promoted very well. I don't think Braveman Records, which was the company where they came from was capable enough on promoting them. Why don't they just move in other recording company? Companies such as Face Music, Loop Ash, Danger Crue or maybe Firewall Div? That would be great except for PSC. In my opinion I don't like PSC to handle them because I'm pretty sure that company will turn them into vain face-valued musicians and I hate it! But no matter how hard I whine it's their own decision. I realized that being an artist you're not just there to create but you also have a big responsibility for your listeners, for those people who admire you because just what like Toshiya of Dir en grey said: "Music can’t save the world, but I think it can change a person’s life." That's right! But who am I? In the end, it's for the band to decide. Although it felt sad there's nothing we could do. I'll just respect their decision.

Yeah...I've waited for them. The fans waited for their return but they just spread the sad news. Although it's hard to hear how their story ends, I'll still follow Leda and Sujk's tweets on Twitter. I'll still check them out, their new projects, their plans and more. I'm forever a fan of you guys...Leda, Juri, Sujk and Aggy. You're still the best and I'm expecting for your NEW BAND if ever there will be. ~ xoxo DELUHIST 4EVER ~

- Ris Zourdhik

Photographic Anorexia

2011-04-05T01:01:00.000-07:00

2011-04-05T00:57:00.000-07:00

This is the first two chapters from my story entitled as "Shin". I just want to show the proof that I write the story. It's not finished yet because it takes a lot of research before finishing it. The hint of my story is this: a woman bound for revenge in finding the people behind the murder of her family and the man she ever loved, traveled to Japan to seek help with an influential man named Miike, one of the closest friend to her family. During her stay in the land of the rising sun, she disguises herself as a typical half-Japanese teenage boy. She met different people and soon enough a little friendship began to bloom, that she even caught herself as a frontman of a starting rock band by accident and will unknowingly conquer the world in no time. For awhile the band life seems to draw her attention from her revenge but her past in cold blood and being the daughter of a mafia family still trigger her mission for retribution. Until her search for answers lead her to an unacceptable truth that will change her life forever.

P.S. Thanks to my sister for helping me formed this plot.

2011-04-05T00:54:00.000-07:00

Believe me...
you can never understand me from WITHIN.
Unable for you to comprehend because there's no reason to categorize me.
I don't even know how to label myself, I can't.
Stereotypes poorly elucidate the disorganize atmosphere
Stereotypes help people to understand the reality, the environment...etc.
just to make things simple,
just to give a name for something, someone.
We label just to be able to write it down in a paper,
to crumple it and try to make it perfect again.
We love to hate, love to criticize, love to stereotype and to judge easily...someone or something
just to define its existence in our own words.
And that's beauty... for you.
But never dare to explain my life in your own sick description.
Yeah... I'm unable
that's why I'm alone.
And wait...don't try to ask why I write words in different way
these are my own paragraphs...mine...only mine!
The tightest cruel labeling falls lose around my neck.
Sometimes I breathe through thoughts burning in my head
I realize I long to feel pain but I hate it when it hurts
I don't deny it feels bad as I lose blood from people's knives in my frail spine.
But this life is just a game, it's a pity thing.
I want to help, I want to sympathize with people who suffer
I dare because I care
BUT...
I'm not enough, I can't change the whole world.
They'll be coming because I'm under the wheel of life
Once again thoughts are burning, they're just around me
and when I'm alone... I couldn't rely to anyone
there's no support, no shoulder to lean on, no chest to cry into.
BUT
somehow I realize too there's God when people just look at me.
And that's the time when I get mad
that's the time when my fingers want to create or to write.
That's why there's this uniqueness in all of us so forget to label things based on your understanding.
I notice that it's unhealthy for me when I say I don't need anyone
although I don't really need friends I find myself trapped in a big hole.
It's not good when I stay alone in the corner
it's not good for someone like me who wears sullen on the face.
I'm not those girls who's one lipgloss application,
who has a cigarette in her hand,
that's not me...because in the end what matters...is me.

2011-03-30T19:27:00.001-07:00

Another day of boredom...
I got caught in the emptiest part of me
"make me wet"
I'm drenched and freezing in despair
but...
I always think of him,
I always have this image of you floating up in the sky
You are beautiful yet ugly at the same time.
And as I was wandering in my reverie...
I felt disconnected to something,
to someone,
or maybe to myself,
perhaps to the whole world.
I felt the weakness within me
as I felt the warm wind in my hair.
I felt so dead
and useless.

Yesterday
and the day before yesterday
I was thinking of bleaching my hair
until I realized...
why change it?
why should I change my black hair
if it's the same color as my heart?
And then I realized...
why modify, edit, change...
if all that matters...is this world?
And at this moment,
I feel insignificant
yet barely alive
then to dye my hair felt so wrong and shallow to me.
All I could think about was...
"all I ever wanted in this life is me...
to see myself doing precious things,
to hear myself speaks equality,
to live in a meaningful way..."
But I chose to be weak
that's why I'm here
trapped in my own fear.
And I remember God
the savior,
heal me and let me breathe into you.
I'm scared but why?
When will this end...?
Someone
tell me
please.

2011-03-30T19:26:00.001-07:00

I was a bit surprised by my 666th view on my DA. Thanks for those who peeped but I'm planning to make my DA, Twitter and Youtube private. I just want to focus on blogging and updating my new Myspace profile because I'm a prodigal user...in the end Myspace is still my home. But for now I decided to be on hiatus when it comes to photoshoot. And when I come back, I want to sign up for a new account where I'll be posting some of my photography. I just want to make a change and make myself more productive. I don't know where to sign up yet but I already came up with a domain name and it would be: "photographicanorexia.(whatever site).com" or "behindthelensofanorexia.(whatever site).com" sounds good, right? But I still don't know when to do that. But hang on there and stay put because I will make it happen! So there.

Pray for Japan

2011-03-14T01:29:00.001-07:00

Written on: March 11, 2011

My deepest sympathy to Japan...my favorite country.

I was shocked by today's breaking news about the 8.9 maginitude earthquake that hit Japan. I watch current news everyday and the first one that was related to this kind of disaster was the earthquake in New Zealand, "Christ's Church". There are some mild tsunamis also here in the Philippines and I'm thankful the people here aren't that affected. But when I heard about the news in Japan I couldn't help thinking about the OFWs or Overseas Filipino Workers their. It was said that there are places in Japan where phone lines are all down that's why it's hard to contact the Filipino people there. My sister and I kept talking about our favorite Japanese bands . I'm truely worried about them because I admire those people and I hope they're always okay. My sister went online and she tweeted "Keep Safe!" to Wataru of 12012. She said that's she glad because Wataru replied although he didn't mention my sister's name. Wataru said that "this place isn't safe" but we hope they could take care of themselves. Some places affected by Tsunami and aftershocks are Fukushima, Chiba, some areas in Tokyo, China, Thailand and etc.

My father kept on talking about some crazy stuffs these past few days and I was just ignoring him. He reads the Bible everyday and talks about Revelation and the end of the world. And I realized, what if the final judgement is near? I know that there are people who don't believe in God and blame God for this tragedy. But as I was reading some parts of the Bible this afternoon, it was said that after a thousand years, Satan will be unleashed to gather the unbelievers. And I think it's true...yeah, it's true! After these catastrophes, ungodly notion will arise because I think that this '666' thing isn't a person but a profane idea. Can you imagine...end of the world? Scary isn't it? For those who believe in God, the priest said those people will be saved but how about the atheist? I can say...I do believe in God, he is my savior but it doesn't mean that I can assure myself that I will be saved because who the fuck knows? When it comes to religion, it's highly debatable. Don't preach if you don't want to be preached by some hypocrites...well I guess that's the bottomline. And I'm sure, that because of these calamities some WEAK people are going to blame God because if God exists he won't let these things happen. My God, these people don't know what they're talking about. Whatever happened was meant that way. Satan is deceitful and fuck him for that!

2011-03-08T22:42:00.001-08:00

I write visual kei...

Young VK boys fascinate me...
their spiky hair,
dyed strands shine on tv

Young VK boys fascinate me...
their soft lips,
their chinky eyes shimmer with dark eyeshadow,
their delicate, smooth and sensual skin

Young VK boys fascinate me...
skin so white and lovely
They are models,
skinny and long
with a crystalline face
and mesmerizing voice to die for

Young VK boys fascinate me...
they're both vile and promiscuous
despised by the "normals" for capturing others eyes

Young VK boys fascinate me...
They aren't trash but elegance

Don't label them if they love to cross-dress
Don't label them for the stockings they wear
Don't label them if they love to do "fanservice"
Don't label them if they cake make ups on their face

Young VK boys fascinate me...
they're sensual but it doesn't mean they crave for YOUr lips
Accept them for who they are
Don't despise them for being beautiful.

2011-03-06T04:02:00.001-08:00

Two Hurt... an after thought

I've become a patient
in his asylum
Victorian Geisha
cold and worn out

Somehow,
I hate the blisters on my lips
forbidden thoughts and aching heart

Each night,
a pleasure
but pain at the same time
butterflies in my stomach
and sore limbs.

My skin of choice
smells so wretched,
something drips from his lips...
scar over scar
cuts where the old wounds are.

Why does feeding feel so bad?

Tell me.

2011-03-06T04:00:00.001-08:00

The sly girl who sits untouched...speaks the alphabets of illusions while sipping crimson tea in an antique bathtub..

I am I
in so many different ways
I am pieces
I am segments
I am sliver and particles
I am made from everything.

I used to be and am a character
like an actor from old movies
horror, suspense, farce, tragedy...name it!
I used to be in your favorite tv show
I'm in a commercial
who promotes great lies.
I walk on a runway
my favorite style...
naked.

I'm a lonely character in a book
I was written to be unique
ugly, and weak
I was inlove with someone...
someone who captured my ill heart
but he turned away
and so I grabbed a scalpel
and stabbed it into his chest
'til his heart bled in my dirty hands...
I ate it
it was bitter
yet a pleasure.

I'm in a painting...
abstract
misunderstood
priceless.

I'm in a stage play...
Strict and superb masterpiece
"Like this, like that...Don't do it!"
Am I wrong?
Didn't I do it right?
But I like to fall
and drown myself
in fame
my rise and fall.
But I have my favorite...drug...
my love, a posion... you are.
My restraints,
my poor impulse control.

Theatrical
Panics
Exaggeration
Emotions
Scenery
Plans
Conflicts
Controversy
Music
Design
Costume.

I've been an inspiration girl...
portrayed expressions
A creative role
hesitant and inventive
Someone made me,
but I reinvented myself
so He and She made Me.

Oh!
What else satisfies me?
Cigarettes
Chocolates
Dried lips
wanting to kiss
stalking, hiding
and being thin
wanting to die
to live immortal bliss
wounded body
star-shaped sun glasses
and drinking milk.

I was rejected and hurt
strawberry gashes all over
me and messed up hair.
Black nail polish, and bloody lips,
runny liner...
but soft, bare, little knees.

Look!

My world is a toybox...
unlocked, unraveled.

Feel!

I'll touch you
brush against you
I'm inside your mind
I'll kiss your thoughts.

I won't be sorry for my actions,
for my poor life
for my flaws
for my imperfection...
never again.

There's a character in all of us.
Find yours not mine.

I'm the one you're yet to know,
the one you may read about or not.
I'm my own character
stereotyped, perception of others
as you read the paragraphs
and not between the lines.

Your impressions,
and thoughts about me.
who am I to you then?

And you?

Just a big fucking hole...

there I'll bury you alive.

2011-03-03T21:19:00.001-08:00

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE NEW LAYOUT OF MY TWITTER PROFILE, BUT UNFORTUNATELY IT DIDN'T ACCEPT ANIMATED GIF...HAIZZZ:_(

2011-03-03T21:15:00.000-08:00

I dreamt about piles of open toilets last night and I don't know what was meant by that. Then my former trainer was there, she told us her trainess to go there to the the toilets so she could see us. But I refused to pee there haha:) Then I saw computer sets on the roof top somewhere out there...some place I've never seen before. Then after that I heard the voice of Deluhi's vocalist Juri. I heard him singing "Hybrid Truth" acapella version and I was like...oh I miss their music so much. But then I've found out that I was awake, and my sister was listening Hybrid Truth downstairs. I was thankful then I was awake because I don't know...maybe I can't live my life without music because believe me, music is my remedy. Whenever I feel down and lost I play my favorite bands' songs to unwind and it relaxes me. I'm still jobless and that makes me feel so lost like I'm a loser. I only hold on to those things I love...art...my life.

2011-02-25T21:38:00.000-08:00

artWerk again...
these photos were, of course, created by my imagination
inspired by gothic lolita fashion...
vintage and experimental
I'm not that good but I really tried...
I don't have much time for photo shoot again because I'm kind of busy
but I'll make sure to create new stuffs.

2011-02-25T21:31:00.000-08:00

I only sleep with people I love, which is why I have insomnia.

Oh, and I certainly don't suffer from schizophrenia. I quite enjoy it. And so do I.

True pleasure lies beneath
where I lie cold in the ground
and your still, lifeless and loveless body
is what I hold

We grew
in an unhealthy manner
two lovers...
secret pretty liars
floating into a whirl of ranting self-thoughts

drunk in shadows of bliss
swallowing wine of melancholy
and I believe in my mortality
you became my other world life

this skin of imperfection
has created something unique and beautiful
yet a disease... so contagious
anorexia eats me

a heart of frost
breathing wintry winds
black sweater hanging off my shoulder
Nikon around my neck
staring at my bare feet
I walk in the streets with strangers
Dead city

my white unlaced dress is torn
and you don't inspire me anymore
save me from myself...
I want to be someone else today
I've thrown away my hat
and flowers fall from the sky

I know

somehow...

I
am
not
a
M0NSTER...

2011-02-25T21:26:00.001-08:00

~ useLess inf0 ~

my answers (UPDATED)

WHAT WAS YOUR:

1. last beverage = none
2. last phone call = job matter
3. last text message= this is so unimportant
4. last song you listened to = ruri by 12012
5. last time you cried = when I remember my parent

HAVE YOU EVER:

6. dated someone twice= nope
7. been cheated on= nope
8. kissed someone & regretted it= none yet
9. lost someone special = yes
10. been depressed = almost everyday
11. been drunk and threw up = nope. I don't drink

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLOR

12. Black
13. Pink
14. White

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2010)

15. Made a new friend = Yep
16. Fallen out of love= nope
17. Laughed until you cried = no
18. Met someone who changed you? = no
19. Found out who your true friends were = hai!
20. Found out someone was talking about you = yeah...
21. Kissed anyone on your fb friend list = no

GENERAL:

22. How many people on your fb friends list do you know in real life = just few of them are real friends but I deleted some of them because they suck!
24. Do you have any pets = hai! my cat's name is Jan Di
25. Do you want to change your name = my real name, yes.
26. What did you do for your last birthday = none
27. What time did you wake up today = 5 pm
28. What were you doing at midnight last night = I was on the training
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for = to get a job
30. Last time you saw your Mother = 2 years ago
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life = being broke
32. What are you listening to right now = 12012 songs
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom = hmmm...I have a friend online named Tom.
34. What's getting on your nerves right now = being broke
35. Most visited webpage = Blogger, Facebook
37. Nicknames = Ris
39. Zodiac sign = (^-^)
40. He or She? = She&He
41. Elementary? = (^-^)
42. High School = (^-^)
43. College = (^-^)
45. Long or short = Long
46. Height = 5'5
47. Do you have a crush on someone? = Hell Yeah!
48: What do you like about yourself? = Being influenced not by other people but because of my own curiosity
49. Piercings = Ear
50. Tattoos = none and I'm not planning to have one.
51. Righty or lefty = (^-^)

FIRSTS :

52. First surgery = none
53. First piercing = on my ear
54. First best friend = Kenneth (during my gradeschool years)
55. First sport you joined = track and field
56. First vacation = don't remember
58. First pair of trainers = none

RIGHT NOW:

59. Eating = just finished
60. Drinking = no
61. I'm about to = attend my last job training
62. Listening to = just finished listening to 12012 and Dir en grey
63. Waiting for = tomorrow for me to post this

YOUR FUTURE :

64. Want kids? = No
65. Get Married? = No
66. Career? = Yes. I want to earn money so I can buy all the things I want and I will go to japan to see my favorite visual kei bands perform live on stage!

WHICH IS BETTER :

67. Lips or eyes? = Eyes
66. Hugs or kisses = Hugs
69. Shorter or taller = Taller
71. Romantic or spontaneous = spontaneous
72. Nice stomach or nice arms = Nice arms
73. Sensitive or loud = Sensitive
74. Hook-up or relationship = none of the above
75. Trouble maker or hesitant = Trouble maker

HAVE YOU EVER :

76. Kissed a stranger = No
77. Drank hard liquor = just once
78. Lost glasses/contacts = No, i don't wear those
79. Sex on first date = no
80. Broken someone's heart = maybe
81. Had your own heart broken = yeah
82. Been arrested = no
83. Turned someone down = no
84. Cried when someone died = yeah
85. Fallen for a friend? = no

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

86. Yourself = not really
87. Miracles = yeah?
88. Love at first sight = no
89. Heaven = yep
90. Santa Clause = no
91. Kiss on the first date = no

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

93. Had more than one bf/gf? = no
95. Did you sing today? = yeah
96. Ever cheated on somebody? = no
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be? = i hope i could save my mother's life
99. Are you afraid of falling in love? = no. but i'm controlling myself because i want career first.
100. Posting this as 100 truths? = yeah?

2011-02-20T22:37:00.000-08:00

Written on: February 19, 2011

I'm just here to update new things that happened in my life. I finished 3 weeks of training yesterday and I promise I won't be coming back even if they call me to continue it. I applied for so many jobs and most of them are "call centers" because call center is the fastest growing industry in the Philippines. I know myself that it's not my field of expertise because just what I kept telling before, I wasn't good when it comes to interacting with other people. They won't hire us if we can't make a sale without pay even for the effort. I don't want to waste my time working and waiting there for nothing. I won't be calling people from other countries just to make a sale. Damn it! I'm so fucked! Even if you know how to speak the english language, in the end what matters is if you can make a sale. Some people are going to hang up the phone if they feel you're getting into their nerves. And I realized, it's a boring kind of job...sitting there everyday and calling and talking...what the fuck?! I studied college for almost 5 years just to sit and call? I won't waste what I've learned from school just to earn money. I realized...maybe it's not for me. It's so hard to find a job in this country because the government sucks! I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life. I want to help my family. And I always pray to God to give me the strength and patience.

Another thing I hated about that place was a co-trainee of mine. SHE came to me yesterday just to tell me she added me as friend in facebook. But she said when her child saw my primary photo her child kept calling me "gay"..."why is her make-up like that?"...and etc. I understand it and I've nothing against her child because she's just a kid. What I hate about it was the way she told me that. I don't know why she kept acting infront of me like that as if she doesn't know the word "sensitivity". Yep...she's insensitive and the way she talked to me in that way...it was direspectful and disgusting. And she wasn't contented she asked me why did I cut my hair and like that. WHUT?!! I know, for me to survive this hell of reality I must not take things seriously. But I don't get it...these girls from the same training called me "emo"...I REALLY HATE TO USE THAT WORD HERE...because RIS ZOURDHIK IS ANTI SUICIDE! I'M AFRAID OF GOD AND I WON'T DO THAT JUST TO ESCAPE PAIN. I don't even know why everytime they talk about SEX AND DRUGS, and doing sex and drugs for fun, doing sex for the sake of experience, doing premarital sex, doing sex not only with one person but doing sex with bunch of GUINEA PIGS...it's part of the culture...it's all natural...don't be a hypocrite because people do it...it's normal...and I was like...WHUT AGAIN?!! But if they see someone like me, someone who lives life for the sake of ART, someone who writes not just for fun, someone who wears different clothes to show art in different ways, someone who puts make up on the face to show artistry and passion...IT'S LIKE A BIG TABOO... A NO NO...IT'S EVIL...IT'S UGLY. It's sickening. Why? Is it mandatory to wear normal clothes for normal people? Is it mandatory to have a long hair to be beauiful? Do I have to do this and that just to please you? WELL GO ON AND JUDGE...GO AND FUCK A TREE! I won't do a thing just to please you or just to look beautiful in your eyes because you're nothing but a form of hypocrisy bitches! You do nothing but to criticize without understanding. I know I'm the one to understand if people can't comprehend. I dont' care if you tell me I'll make it or not. I don't care if you doubt me, or believe in me. I don't even care if you're here to fuck, because I'm here to live art at its finest. I'm going to twist the system and neglect whatever negativity stands my way because I want to do something wonderful in life.

P.S. Just lines to tell you: If you're a normal person who lives in a normal way, who's unable to see beauty beyond ugly things, who hates bizarre things, who doesn't know art, self-righteous, judgemental and narrow-minded...my little piece of advice... DON'T ADD ME AS FRIEND TO ANY SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING TO ACCEPT YOUR REQUEST. AND BELIEVE ME, I'M NOT ADDICTED TO PEOPLE, I DON'T NEED MUCH FRIENDS ONLINE BECAUSE I SIGNED FOR IT FOR MYSELF AND NOT FOR ANYBODY ELSE. DON'T EVEN TRY TO POST USELESS MESSAGES ON MY COMMENT BOX BECAUSE IT'S PATHETIC FOR YOU. KEEP YOUR NONSENSE DRAMA FOR YOUR MAMA. IN THE END...IT'S ALL RUBBISH SO GET LOST FUCKERS!

2011-02-20T22:28:00.000-08:00

Written on: February 13, 2011

Well, I just finished watching a japanese horror movie which is "KUCHISAKE ONNA 2". It was a good movie because I enjoyed it and I could say it's better than the first one. It's 4 in the morning and I'm the only one here who's still awake. I had fun watching blood-splattering horror films and the silence around me is true pleasure. I watched so many horror movies but I'm still wanting more haha:-) so there.

2011-02-20T22:24:00.000-08:00

Psychotic Vaudeville Burlesque, what can I say? I want to use my body as an object of everything...from emotions to awareness. I want to say a li'l "thanks" to those people who influenced and undressed my understanding. When it's good for me I appreciate it a lot, but as much as possible I want to avoid negativity. I was threatened by my self-destructive thoughts about me being small while the world could swallow me whole. My confession is here, and I think there's no other way for me to say or interpret this to anyone. I have low self-esteem because my inferiority complex is killing me slowly. But if people see me not only here in the virtual world but also in reality, I hate the fact they judge me solely base on my appearance. Anyway, how could there be light without darkness? There are lot of things I want to have right now but because I'm unable to get it there's a part of me that seems like a failure. My imperfection is a factor that affects my creativity because I believe that true slyness comes from madness. But it doesn't mean I know everything because there's still a big room for improvement. Sometimes I find myself "alone" not physically but because I felt out of place. I'm not that good when it comes to dealing with other people because I used to isolate myself from the normals. What we need from each other is respect, right? And Friedrich Nietzsche, a German philosopher is right...when we find out that the world does not possess the objective value or meaning that we want it to have or have long since believed it to have, we find ourselves in a crisis. Disappointments from who, what, when, where, how...disgusted me. I was pretending before...I was special, but in what sense? Do you know? Do you...? I don't. I wake up, eat food, sleep...the same routine, and because of this I felt the disproportion between who I wanted to be and what I need.

Lots of people stereotype without understanding because it's a part of our human nature. And it's so hard to find people nowadays who see so deep and beyond, to those who realize there is so much than our human skin. There is so much more to us than our bodies. But I guess, YOU failed to see it. I soaked into the rain of different notions and because of that I would like to understand the things around me not to lessen my own curiosity, but simply to get to know myself better. I write and create, merely because it's my only way to confront the dark sides of my mind, and the desire to remove the blindfold of hypocrisy will be my number one enemy. I'm just like any other people who run from hurtful truth, discomfort, pain and depression. And I don't deny I hide from its devious fury because it will be the reason of my mind destruction. What makes me so angry is the things that have the ability to break me. Haters, self-righteous, and judge-mental hypocrites. I wonder how their personal dim-witted state of mind formed. Why they love to hate?

Well, all I know, all I want is...to defy the tragic consequence of gravity.

2011-02-20T22:20:00.000-08:00

Jrock/Visual kei Q & A (UPDATED)

01. Who was the first J-rock Band you heard?
- Moi dix Mois

02. Who’s your favourite Jrock/Visual kei Band?
- Dir en Grey

03. Name 5 other Bands you Like.
- Deluhi
- 12012
- Sadie
- The Gazette
- Girugamesh

04. Name 5 Bands you Dislike.
- Girugamesh!

05. Are you a fangirl/boy?
- Both

06. If yes, of Who?
- Kai, Leda, Wataru

07. Do you cosplay?
- Nope

08. If you do Or would like to, Who?
- Leda

09. Do you like Dir en grey?
- Absolutely

10. Are you a Toshiya fangirl?
- Kinda

11. How about Kaoru?
- Nope

12. Die?
- Nope

13. Kyo?
- Hell Yeah!

14. Shinya?
- Nope

15. What’s your favorite Deg song?
- Vinushka, Inconvenient Ideal, Lotus

16. Do you like visual bands or non-visual bands?
- Visual kei

17. What’s the first Jrock/Visual kei song you heard?
- Monophobia by Moi dix Mois

18. What’s the last song you heard?
- The Farthest by Deluhi

19. Do you buy Jrock/Visual kei magazines?
- No

20. What’s your favourite?
- Cure, Shoxx

21. Have you ever been to any Jrock/Visual kei concerts?
- Not yet

22. What would you do if you saw any J-rocker/Visual Kei walking down the street in your town?
- Go after them and tell them how much I admire their music.

23. Which Jrocker are you most in love/lust with?
- Hmm...Kai has a wife...but...Kai!

24. Which three Jrockers would you most love to meet in person (Dead or alive)?
- Kyo
- Leda
- Kai

25. What are the three things you would like to say/to ask them?

- Are you going to hire me if ever I'd ask to be your hairstylist...
- makeup artist...
- or secret lover? LOLZ :-}

26. Which three Jrockers can you relate to most?
- Kyo
- Leda
- Mana

27. Which three Jrock songs do you constantly replay?

- The Pain of Catastrophe by 12012
- Ruri by 12012
- Guren by The Gazette

28. Do you currently have a Jrocker computer background?
- Yep

29. Which Jrocker would you most like to get fashion/makeup advice from?
- Ruki

30. Do you read Jrock fan fiction?
- Only when I'm in the mood

31. What is your favourite Jrocker related dream?
- When Kai kissed me in my cheeks...hehehe it's true!

32. How many Jrock MP3s do you have?
- more than 500 I guess

33. And, finally, if you could sleep with any three Jrockers, who would they be?
- KAI, KAI, KAI!

---------------------

Who’s your favorite Jrock Band?

- Dir en Grey, Deluhi, 12012, Sadie

Who’s your favorite member of a Jrock Band?

- Kyo of Dir en Grey and Leda of Deluhi

Favorite song/s?

- Lotus
- Inconvenient Ideal
- Ivory and Irony
- The Pain of Catastrophe
- Ruri
- Tattoo
- Just the way you are
- Mayakashi
- Obscure (new version)
- Ain't Afraid To Die
- The Farthest
- Last Train

Favorite album/s?

- Uroboros by Dir en Grey
- Seven by 12012

Favorite Jrock outfit/s?

- Obscure
- Taion

Favorite clip/s?

- Child Prey

Visual Kei or Just rock?

- Visual Kei

Gackt or Hyde?

- None

Long hair or short hair?

- Both

Makeup or Natural?

- It depends on who wears the makeup

X Japan or Malice Mizer?

- X Japan

Mana or Kozi?

- Mana

PV or Live?

- Both

Mosh or balcony?

- Balcony

Fashion label or magazine?

- Both

Mini-Album or single?

- Mini-Album

Cross dressers or normal?

- Both

My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2011-02-19)
- Dir en Grey(5)
- Deluhi (4)
- 12012 (4)
- Sadie (3)

-------------------

10 to 1

10 Things You Want

1. Job
2. Money
3. Photo shoot
4. From Lolita to Goth and Visual Kei clothes and shoes
5. Make-up especially Manic Panic and Aroma Leigh
6. Lots of horror dvds
7. SLR camera
8. More visual kei bands
9. To have more time in writing and posting blog entries, poems, stories
10. My transcript of Record

9 Musicians/Bands You Love:

1. Dir en Grey
2. Deluhi
3. 12011
4. Otep
5. Sadie
6. Emilie Autumn
7. Girugamesh
8. The Gazette
9. Linkin Park

8 Things You Do Everyday:

1. Wake up
2. Sound trip
3. Go to Ortigas
4. Use my PC
5. Daydream
6. Write a journal
7. Eat
8. Sleep

7 Things I Enjoy:

1. Photography
2. Listening to Japanese music
3. Silence
4. Writing
5. Blogger
6. Facebook
7. Experiment

6 Things That Will ALWAYS Win Your Heart:

1. Someone who do art
2. Someone who likes music
3. Someone who's understanding
4. Someone who's strong enough to face the obstacles in life
5. Someone who knows how to listen
6. Someone who's worth talking to

5 Songs When You Put Your iTunes on Shuffle:

1. Lotus by Dir en Grey
2. The Farthest by Deluhi
3. Ruri by 12012
4. The Pain of Catastrophe by 12012
5. Rain Delay by Oz

4 Smells You Enjoy:

1. Nail polish
2. the ground's smell after the rain
3. Paints and varnish
4. Coffee

3 Place You Want To Go:

1. Japan
2. Germany
3. Ireland

2 Holidays You Love:

1. Halloween
2. J-Day

1 Person You Would Marry On The Spot:

1. Stuart Townsend

2011-02-06T00:03:00.001-08:00

Hey there muffins! I was busy for a whole week because of job training (again). I really miss my other world life here in my home. I passed the first week of assessment and one more week...just one more week, if I pass this then I'll be ready to work for this job. I don't even want to tell you what job is this because ...(sighs)...it's not that interesting, but at least there are computers everywhere. I've met different trainees just like me, they think differently, they live differently, but we have the same goal...and that it to get the job done right. I hope that this is it because I want to help my family financially. It's just so hard to be poor (literally) that's why I decided to find a job. There are so many things that happened these few weeks but I'm a bit lazy telling them all to you because it's not related to my hobbies...haha(^-^) So there.

P.S. Just lines to tell you: I'm planning to make a short movie entitled as "MEMOIRS OF A TEENAGE SCHIZO". This will be a silent movie, without words to be spoken but more on action. I'm still on the process of writing down the whole story. There will be a single actor (and that's me), she suffers schizophrenia yet she acts like a normal girl. I want to show emotions here while the character can't help being a different person. But I don't know when to make a record of it because I'll be busy on the following weeks. But I'm telling you this is going to be great because I want to improve myself. I will prove that poverty is not a hindrance for me to do bizarre art...yeah! "If they call me crazy, I'll make crazy awesome!"

Random...

2011-01-30T02:10:00.000-08:00

Asian Horrific Kawaii

2011-01-27T20:25:00.000-08:00

Hey Yeah Muffins! Ris is here again posting crazy stuffs. I can't help being creative...yep...that's what I call it, CREATIVITY. So many thoughts, I can't take away the mess in my head. I enjoy floating from persona to persona. I would be the sly actor in my own play, pulling off different hair colors and clothing styles. I am lucky when I'm motionless or dead in the picture frame. I want to jump out of bed...nervous, shivering, aching, biting my fingers raw until there is nothing left. It's just fine, I will learn how to forgive you. Everyday I'll let you take a bite out of me because I don't give a damn if I bleed. You can stitch each wound as you whisper you hate me. Do I taste good to you? This is what an anorexiaC tastes like... a chibi ningyo with vicious glistening teeth. I cut myself open for you to see. I'm nothing special, I'm nothing new. There goes Lovesick Anorexic, ranting, talking, posting, expressing, creating...as always. Go on and Judge! I love those kind of challenges:-D I am not afraid to be honest, and to be a fake at the same time. I am not afraid to be perfectly flawed or troubled. I'm not afraid to be my own self-infliction...because it's beatiful. I'm not ashamed to show who I truely am. Come! Be my ToyBox Inmate!

Silly God Disco Spoof

2011-01-23T01:51:00.000-08:00

Hey there muffins! I didn't have new photos as of today because I did a lot of them last week and I was running out of concept. But I decided to make a video spoof inspired by The Gazette's "Silly God Disco". My sister was the one who's recording the video and I edited the sequences. We enjoyed making this video because it's about two different persons. There's the rich girl, and the maid. I uploaded this to my youtube account and facebook so just watch it if you're a bit curious and interested. It's all for now but for those people who read this blog just wait for more because my mind is not at rest yet. I have so many thoughts in my head but I'm waiting for the right time to create them and show them to all of you guys out there.

Neko

2011-01-23T01:47:00.000-08:00

These are photos of my neko "Jan Di". She felt isolated that's why she was looking outside the window. We didn't let her go outside because we don't want her to be dirty. Anyway, I did enjoy taking photos of her because she's oh so kawaii!

Visual Syndicalism

2011-01-18T22:08:00.000-08:00

After waiting for nothing and doing nothing special here I am again...bored as always. As you see I'm so addicted to Japanese visual kei bands especially Dir en grey (oops! they're not anymore) and Deluhi. I'm still waiting for the next single of Dir en grey entitled as "Lotus" which will be out this 26 of January. There's no news about Deluhi yet because they're on hiatus but I hope for more singles.

I didn't mean to be offensive (if that's what you think) but I couldn't understand why they printed out this kind of typographical error. It should be 'K-E-Y-B-O-A-R-D' of course with R.

Have you read DEG's vox Kyo "ZENRYAKU, O GENKI DESU KA"? Maybe the poems are bit confusing because Kyo's poems are hardly understandable. But I enjoy reading them because I love writing and reading other's poems especially when they were written by my favorite poets.

Turn my blinking into red visions and body vibration.

Updates

2011-01-14T21:05:00.000-08:00

Hey there everyone! To tell you honestly I don't know what else to say here. But because my goal is to post more entries here I decided to stay visible as much as possible. I was so busy these past few days because until now I'm still finding a job. It's just so hard for a fresh graduate like me to find a job because companies prefer to hire applicants with working experience. How unfair is that! What's the purpose of finishing college if they won't give people like me a chance?! Anyway, despite of being dissapointed I just want to keep myself busy just by posting here and entering the virtual world.

Aside from that, I'm still writing my story entitled as "SHIN". It's the unofficial title of my manga-ish story because that name came into my mind almost ten years ago. I don't know when to end the story but I think that it will take a year or two before I finish it. It takes a lot of research before I could come up with some new ideas. I'll give you an idea of what the story is all about. It's about a young woman who wants to take revenge after she survived a brutal massacre. Unfortunately, the family she had known especially the one she loved were murdered. No one knew she survived that's why she went to Japan to find her loyal friend who could help her. But in a strange twist of fate, she will disguise as a "boy" and she will become the vocalist of a visual kei band without her intention. So there. Just wait and see, oneday I'll publish this story.

2011-01-10T01:09:00.000-08:00

January 03-06, 2011: Our trainer taught us how to answer questions during job interview. We were called one by one and we had to stand infront of our other co-trainees. Then we had to choose a number and we had to answer the question. There are two types of interview: first is the Resume Interview, which is all about the information on your resume. The next one is Behavioral Interview. Gosh! This interview made my nose bleed. The questions being asked in this type of interview are unexpected. Examples are: "What is your favorite color?" and after you answered the interviewer would ask you this, "How would you describe the (color) to a blind person since birth?" you only have 10 seconds to think about it. The other questions were "What are your short and long term goals?", "What was the last movie you watched?", "Why do we hire you?" and etc. During the last day of the training we were interviewed by the trainers so they could decide if they would endorse us to other companies such as IBM, Convergies, etc. Fortunately I was endorsed but the sad part of it was during my final interview in a company (this is reality) I didn't make it because they preferred applicants with working experience. I thought I was going to make it but then I was rejected and honestly, it hurts. I felt useless and dumb and I don't know why. I was sad when I got home because I thought I failed my family. But my sister is always there for me. She said she didn't want to see me sad and depressed. There's always hope and I believe in that. Tomorrow, I'm going to find a job again.; I will try and try until I succeed because I don't want to stay in our house doing nothing. I have to help my family financially, and I think everyone has the same reason as I do. So wait for me world, I'm gonna find a job, and someday I will reach for my dreams.

December 29-30, 2010: (Next Day of Training) I enjoyed our training because we did this "PAQUITO". We played a game where we would be saying the word "PAQUITO" as if we won $20,000,000.00, as if we saw an anaconda, as if we're trying to seduce someone...and it was so funny. We had to change the tone of our voice to fit with the situation. The other activity that we did was to act a play. Me and my partner's situation was "two friends who've seen each other again after a long that time but couldn't remember when. Then I had to say "Hey! How are you?...Well I'm great, what have you been doing lately?..." and so on and so forth. It's new to me because I'm not used of interacting with other people that's why I undergone for training to expose myself and to learn things from other people.

December 28, 2010: (First Day of Training) Before we go to Strata Edy and I came to our school first at 8 in the morning to give our prelim permit numbers to our thesis adviser. Then we waited for our friend Angie who came with us to Ortigas because I told her to apply also. It was 11 in the morning when we arrived there. We're late for about 2 hours but we went directly to our training room. There, we've met some new trainess hust like me and Edy. I was so nervous when I saw our trainer Ms. Olga Marie entered the room. I was a bit intimidated by her so-americanized-accent. She said we have to speak in english and avoid using fillers such as "ahm, ano..." I could speak the language but as I said before, I'm not used to talking in english infront of other people. Ms. O taught us how to answer during interviews that's why she asked us to go infront and introduce ourselves. She wanted us to volunteer to go first but the guy named Ralph had this confidence that's why he was the first to introduce himself to us. While they speak infront my body was shaking not just because I was nervous but also because of the aircon, it was so cold. I didn't know what to say when Ms.O said that we have to tell what makes us unique. That's one tip of catching the attention of the interviewer. When it's already my turn I came infront and I introduced myself. While I was presenting myself it was spontaneous. My nervous has gone all of a sudden. After my short speech I asked for their feedback but they didn't ask me anymore. Then I asked Ms.O, she said I was talkative and she likes me. I told her I don't think so because me..."talkative"? I really don't think so. I thought I couldn't make it because the truth is, I have low self-esteem. I told them about it that's why I came there to train myself so I could improve my communication skill. We all have the same purpose and goal there. I had fun and really enjoyed the experience although it made me nervous at first. I couldn't believe I was going to speak in english all day long because of the training. But it did help me a lot that's why I want to to continue it so I could improve myself.

December 24, 2010: Me and my sister Bela went to our auntie's house to celebrate Christmas. They prepared food and we ate a lot. We had fun staying over night with them.

December 23, 2010: My friend Edy and I went to Ortigas and Makati to find a job. After I finished my term in school I decided to find a job because I really need it. We went to PeopletoOutsource at Strata 100 to inquire. Fortunately, the woman named Jemma accommodated us then we gave the copies of our resume to her. After that they allowed us to have a training for 10 days. It was a training center where applicants can be hired in different companies such as IBM, Convergies, Telus, etc. They are well-known callcenter companies but I insisted that I wanted to be appointed in the TSR because of my field of expertise. Right after we inquired they interviewed us and I was a bit nervous during that time because I'm not used to interacting with other people, but thank God I made it. Then we went to PNB (Philippine National Bank) at Makati City because my father told me that they need new applicants there. We gave our resume to some guy (I think he's the receptionist) there because he said that the HR wasn't there. While we were waiting we're discouraged by what the receptionist said to us that it's not that possible to be hired especially because we're freshly grads. Then F*** him! My father talked to one of the employees there and not with him, so how dare him said that?! We left after that because it's not that easy to find a job because you have to walk around the city just to inquire and inquire but somehow it's challenging and fun. Makati city is a place for rich and famous people. There are lots of foreigners and celebrities there. Honestly, I've felt like an outsider because of those people and because of the way they live their lives. Maybe because I came from a poor family but it doesn't mean I envy them or something like that. Although I don't have all the money in the world I feel the uniqueness in me. I do believe that people aren't perfect. They don't have everything...as if they do not know 'art'. They looked all the same and strangers. I'm hoping to have a stable life someday but I don't want to have the same cycle of life like they have right now. I want to spent my time with some artistic people, people who do everything to keep the creative fires burning.

Bye Bye 2010

2010-12-26T23:42:00.000-08:00

FOR MORE PHOTOS LOOK FOR MY FACEBOOK AND DEVIANTART:-)

December Ends

2010-12-26T02:02:00.000-08:00

HELLO EVERYONE! MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL. I JUST FINISHED MY PHOTOSHOOT WITH MY SISTER JUST LOOK FOR THOSE PHOTOS ON MY FACEBOOK AND DEVIANTART:-)